1) You bring your own teabags.
2) You ask for separate checks after you’ve finished your meal.
3) You’re a foreigner who knows the customary tip in the US is 15% but feign ignorance so you can save a few bucks.
4) You bring your own appetizers. (Swear that happened to me once.)
5) You ask “What are the specials?” before your ass hits the chair.
6) After you’ve eaten all of your food you decide you don’t like it and demand a full refund.
7) You ask the waiter for ice, sugar, and lemon and make your own lemonade. (I’ve seen people make their own ice tea too!)
8) You request a list of the CD’s we’re playing on the house stereo.
9) You bring your dog or cat into the restaurant. (This isn’t France!)
10) You arrive on time but your friends are an hour late. You insist on being sat in the dining room but refuse to order anything more complicated than water with lemon and five baskets of bread.
11) You tell the waiter you’re allergic to something when you’re not.
12) You bring your cup of Starbucks coffee into the restaurant.
13) You have a $50 dollar gift certificate and a hundred dollar check. The waiter deducts the gift certificate from your total and you only tip the waiter on the remaining $50.
14) You tell the waiter you’re “in the business.”
15) You demand the best table on Saturday night even though you don’t have a reservation.
16) The check’s $100.01 and you split the check between two credit cards. You get the credit card slip for $50.01 and your friend gets the one for $50. He leaves a $7.50 tip and you leave one for $7.49.
17) You’re late for your reservation and don’t bother to call.
18) You make five reservations at five restaurants, pick one, and don’t bother to tell the others you’re canceling.
19) You’ve paid the check, you have your coats on, but you still won’t leave.
20) You get sat five minutes before closing and say “We don’t want to be rushed.”
21) You have sex in the restroom and don’t clean up after yourselves.
22) You let your sweet little children run rampant throughout the restaurant and think it’s “cute.”
23) You just walk in and sit down, ignoring the hostess.
24) You don’t tip the coat check girl.
25) You claim you’re “a friend of the owner.” So what? 5000 people are operating under a similar delusion.
26) You ask if we’ll open on Christmas just for you.
27) You say “Do you know who I am?”
28) You say “Do you know who I work for?”
29) You drunkenly ask the waiter if the Bangladeshi busboy is a terrorist.
30) You praise the waiter to high heaven but leave him 7%. (The Dreaded Verbal Tip!)
31) Even worse, you leave religious tracts instead of a tip.
32) You ask the waiter to fetch you a prostitute.
33) You take twenty minutes to complete the wine tasting ritual.
34) You ask for the “big glasses” when drinking house wine by the glass.
35) You tell the waiter “you’ll take care of him” and then leave him less than 15%.
36) You ask the waiter his or her name only so you can shout it when your martini’s running low.
37) You ask your waitress if her breasts are real.
38) You grab the waiter by the elbow when he or she walks by to get their attention.
39) You make the waiter recite the specials five times.
40) You get so drunk you vomit all over the table.
41) You hand the waiter a dirty diaper.
42) You want to haggle over the prices.
43) You ask the waiter “How old do I look?”
44) You get mad that there’s a split charge and refuse to pay it.
45) You leave a penny on the table. Go fuck yourself. It’s been done.
46) You ask for sushi at an Italian restaurant.
47) You ask for unreasonable substitutions. (Can I have au gratin potatoes instead of pasta?)
48) You’re so drunk you walk out with both credit card slips.
49) You lost your cell phone but insist the bus boys stole it.
50) You never say “please” or “thank you.”
Just like last time – if you have any other “asshole signs” leave them in the comments section.