by waiter | Jun 3, 2023 | Uncategorized
My cart loaded with eggs for the food pantry, I made my way to the checkout area where, to my dismay, I found only two flesh and blood cashiers while the rest of my fellow shoppers were using the self-checkout gizmos. I hate those things. The lines for the...
by waiter | Jun 2, 2023 | Uncategorized
“My chicken tastes weird,” my wife said. “Could it be the marinade?” I asked. “No. Taste it and see.” So, I did. The chicken was bad. Sighing, I looked for waitress, but she was nowhere to be found. Another waitress happened to be walking down the...
by waiter | May 11, 2023 | Uncategorized
I was working out in my old college gym with my friend Eliza, surreptitiously glancing at the shapely backside she’d honed from running five miles a day. Hey, I’m only human. “Want to go for a jog after this?” she said while powering through some bicep...
by waiter | Mar 27, 2023 | Uncategorized
“Daddy,” Natalie said from the back of the car – which seems to be the place all our deep conversations start – “How do you make a baby?” “How do you think it gets there?” I countered. So much for a quiet ride home. “Kissing? Through your...
by waiter | Mar 21, 2023 | Uncategorized
A couple of months back, one of my co-workers stuck her head into my office and said, “There’s a guy downstairs wearing a skull mask walking around videotaping people.” “What?” I replied. “He’s scaring the shit out of everyone.” “Aren’t the police...
by waiter | Mar 19, 2023 | Uncategorized
“Daddy,” my daughter said, from the backseat of the car. “Something’s bothering me.” “What is it, honey?” “The lady at church said most people go to – can I say a bad word?” “Go ahead.” “H-E-L-L.” “She said most people are going to...
by waiter | Feb 27, 2023 | Uncategorized
It was Mother’s Day and my wife had just finished her celebratory breakfast when our neighbor knocked on our door. “Sorry to bother you,” he said, studiously oblivious to the fact I was in my bathrobe, “But there’s a big raccoon in your yard.” “That’s...
by waiter | Feb 15, 2023 | Uncategorized
“That’ll be two hundred and thirty- five dollars, please,” the clerk said to the man ahead of me. “You take Amex?” he asked. “Yes, sir.” Then, after computers ascertained the man’s credit worthiness, the clerk handed him a bag filled with enough...
by waiter | Feb 12, 2023 | Uncategorized
“The parking lot is packed,” my wife, said. “It doesn’t look good.” “I’ll go inside and see,” I said. “You never know.” “I’ll wait out here.” Upon entering the restaurant, I went up to the hostess, “I know it’s a longshot. But do...
by waiter | Feb 8, 2023 | Uncategorized
“Daddy,” my daughter asked me, yet again, from the backseat of the car, “I want to talk about that thing.” “It’s called puberty, Natalie,” I said. “You can say the word.” “It’s a funny word.” “It’s from a Latin word. They all sound funny. But lots of...
