by waiter | Mar 21, 2023 | Uncategorized
A couple of months back, one of my co-workers stuck her head into my office and said, “There’s a guy downstairs wearing a skull mask walking around videotaping people.” “What?” I replied. “He’s scaring the shit out of everyone.” “Aren’t the police...
by waiter | Mar 19, 2023 | Uncategorized
“Daddy,” my daughter said, from the backseat of the car. “Something’s bothering me.” “What is it, honey?” “The lady at church said most people go to – can I say a bad word?” “Go ahead.” “H-E-L-L.” “She said most people are going to...
by waiter | Feb 27, 2023 | Uncategorized
It was Mother’s Day and my wife had just finished her celebratory breakfast when our neighbor knocked on our door. “Sorry to bother you,” he said, studiously oblivious to the fact I was in my bathrobe, “But there’s a big raccoon in your yard.” “That’s...
by waiter | Feb 15, 2023 | Uncategorized
“That’ll be two hundred and thirty- five dollars, please,” the clerk said to the man ahead of me. “You take Amex?” he asked. “Yes, sir.” Then, after computers ascertained the man’s credit worthiness, the clerk handed him a bag filled with enough...
by waiter | Feb 12, 2023 | Uncategorized
“The parking lot is packed,” my wife, said. “It doesn’t look good.” “I’ll go inside and see,” I said. “You never know.” “I’ll wait out here.” Upon entering the restaurant, I went up to the hostess, “I know it’s a longshot. But do...
by waiter | Feb 8, 2023 | Uncategorized
“Daddy,” my daughter asked me, yet again, from the backseat of the car, “I want to talk about that thing.” “It’s called puberty, Natalie,” I said. “You can say the word.” “It’s a funny word.” “It’s from a Latin word. They all sound funny. But lots of...
by waiter | Jan 20, 2023 | Uncategorized
“Daddy,” my daughter asked me from the backseat of the car, “Who do you look like?” “I look like me,” I said. “No, I mean what famous person do you look like?” “Mom says I look like Matt Damon.” “Whose Matt Damon?” “A famous actor.” “Do...
by waiter | Jan 18, 2023 | Uncategorized
I was doing squats at the gym yesterday when a young woman stepped into the squat rack and picked up two five pound plates off the floor near my feet. Safety issues aside, that I might’ve wanted to use them was obviously no concern of hers. I’d have said something if...
by waiter | Nov 16, 2022 | Uncategorized
Several months ago, one of the cops in my town donated a near mint condition bike that used to be his daughter’s. “Barely a scratch on it,” he said. “You could donate it to the thrift barn,” I told him, referring to a local outfit that accepts books, clothes,...
by waiter | Oct 25, 2022 | Uncategorized
My wife and were watching a show on Netflix about the subject of infinity when they trotted out an example that blew my mind. If you put an apple in a box and left it in there for an infinite amount of time, the apple would eventually decay and turn to dust, but all...
