by waiter | May 22, 2006 | Uncategorized
“Do you hear that?” Melinda, our hostess asks me. “Hear what?” I reply tiredly. Its Sunday brunch and I’m exhausted from the night before. “There’s a bird in the restaurant!” “You’re kidding me.” “No, listen.” I strain my ears. Over the din of our busy restaurant I...
by waiter | May 19, 2006 | Uncategorized
“A man cannot break his penis,” Kylie, my twenty two year old waitress, exclaims. “Sure he can,” I reply. Don’t ask me how we got on this subject because I forgot. Waitstaff conversations are free associative exercises that usually culminate in sex talk one way or the...
by waiter | May 18, 2006 | Uncategorized
I’m standing outside the Bistro, enjoying the cool of the early evening breeze, when a beautiful woman clad only in a towel walks past me. “Good evening,” I say nonchalantly, as if nearly naked women pass my restaurant everyday. “Good evening,” the woman replies with...
by waiter | May 17, 2006 | Uncategorized
It’s Saturday night and the Bistro’s jamming. I’m heading to the men’s room when Beth, a fellow waiter, intercepts me. “I need help,” she squeaks, “I’m going into the weeds.” “Whatcha need?” I offer gallantly. My piss can wait a minute. “Do you know how to make a...
by waiter | May 16, 2006 | Uncategorized
I’m at the dog park watching Buster, my joint custody pooch, sniff some Pekinese ass. “That your dog?” a big burly guy asks, pointing to Buster. “Yeah,” I reply, “The Pekinese yours?” “Yeah,” the big guy says smiling, walking towards me, “They seem to get along.”...
by waiter | May 12, 2006 | Uncategorized
I slide up to the bar at Café American. I just finished a ten hour shift. The Bistro had a lousy night – twenty customers total. But it was still a hard day. I need a drink. “The usual?” the bartender asks me, holding up a frosted martini glass. “Not tonight,” I...
by waiter | May 10, 2006 | Uncategorized
Melinda’s our new hostess. She’s in her early twenties and trying to pick up a little extra cash. I feel bad for her. There are easier ways. Drug dealing and prostitution come readily to mind. Oh well. “So how are things?” I ask her. “Oh, everyone here’s really nice,”...
by waiter | May 5, 2006 | Uncategorized
“Is all your pasta homemade?” my customer, an obvious foodie type, asks. “No sir,” I reply truthfully, “Some, not all.” “What’s homemade?” the man asks with a trace of exasperation, “I only eat homemade pasta.” I want to tell my customer he’s been infected with...
by waiter | May 3, 2006 | Uncategorized
The Bistro’s phone rings. I glare at it. I should pick it up by the third ring but I don’t. I hate the phone today. I’m at the end of my workweek and my reservoir of patience is depleted. If I have to deal with one more socially maladjusted misfit I’ll be forced to...
by waiter | Apr 26, 2006 | Uncategorized
I was interviewed by Luke O’Neil for a recent article about the travails of being a waiter for the website Boston’s Weekly Dig. “It begins with the best of intentions. Head out. A bite to eat. A few drinks. But eating out is actually much more complex than that, and...
