by waiter | Apr 14, 2008 | Uncategorized
It’s Saturday night and Café Machiavelli is packed. There are so many customers in the dining room that the mass of their collective bodies forms a swirling vortex of need and want, collapsing perspective and time into an emotional black hole. As I walk across the...
by waiter | Apr 11, 2008 | Uncategorized
I decided to dump my old hosting site and shack up with the good folks at Media Temple. While all the posts made the transition, the comments, sadly, did not. But they were getting lost or screwed up with all the “upgrades” during the past year anyway...
by waiter | Apr 9, 2008 | Uncategorized
Here’s the official cover for Waiter Rant: Thanks for the Tip – Confessions of a Cynical Waiter Thanks Anthony! You’re the man!
by waiter | Mar 27, 2008 | Uncategorized
It’s Thursday afternoon and I’m late for work. I’m running late because, consciously and unconsciously, I don’t want to work at Café Machiavelli today. The money’s been sucking, we’re understaffed, and I’m just sick of restaurants in general. Of course I forget...
by waiter | Mar 26, 2008 | Uncategorized
“So how you doing Chimo?” I ask during a lull in service. “I’m great, dude,” my Mexican-American comrade replies. “I got a deluxe blowjob last night.” “A deluxe blowjob?” I ask. “What’s that?” “Dude,” Chimo says, looking at me dumbfounded, “You...
by waiter | Mar 25, 2008 | Uncategorized
It’s a slow Saturday night and I’m standing by the hostess stand, reviewing my tips. I’m not doing well. “How’s it going there?” the owner asks, looking over my shoulder. “Terrible,” I reply. “Less than fifteen percent.” “Really?” the owner says, looking surprised....
by waiter | Mar 15, 2008 | Uncategorized
“Hello and welcome,” I say to my new two top. “Would either of you care for a cocktail?” “I think we’ll just start off with some water,” the husband, a bald man in a open collared silk shirt, replies. “Maybe we’ll have wine with dinner.” “Very good sir,” I reply....
by waiter | Mar 9, 2008 | Uncategorized
It’s a stormy Friday night and I’m enjoying a mid shift espresso with Jimmy, Cafe Machiavelli’s youngest busboy. As I sip my coffee I watch as heavy raindrops explode against the restaurant’s front window like liquid kamikazes. The foul weather’s putting a dent in our...
by waiter | Feb 22, 2008 | Uncategorized
It’s 9:00 PM on a slow Wednesday night. The only customers in the restaurant are a stuck-up looking couple who’ve made it clear they “don’t want to be rushed.” As they chatter and slowly munch their grilled calamari, their entrées are desiccating under a heat lamp in...
by waiter | Feb 9, 2008 | Uncategorized
It’s Friday night and I’m finishing the wine liturgy for the Yuppies on table 13. The host, a pretentious bald man wearing expensively layered clothes, grilled me about the wine list. Asking questions designed not to gain knowledge but to showcase his knowledge of...
