by waiter | Jan 20, 2023 | Uncategorized
“Daddy,” my daughter asked me from the backseat of the car, “Who do you look like?” “I look like me,” I said. “No, I mean what famous person do you look like?” “Mom says I look like Matt Damon.” “Whose Matt Damon?” “A famous actor.” “Do...
by waiter | Jan 18, 2023 | Uncategorized
I was doing squats at the gym yesterday when a young woman stepped into the squat rack and picked up two five pound plates off the floor near my feet. Safety issues aside, that I might’ve wanted to use them was obviously no concern of hers. I’d have said something if...
by waiter | Nov 16, 2022 | Uncategorized
Several months ago, one of the cops in my town donated a near mint condition bike that used to be his daughter’s. “Barely a scratch on it,” he said. “You could donate it to the thrift barn,” I told him, referring to a local outfit that accepts books, clothes,...
by waiter | Oct 25, 2022 | Uncategorized
My wife and were watching a show on Netflix about the subject of infinity when they trotted out an example that blew my mind. If you put an apple in a box and left it in there for an infinite amount of time, the apple would eventually decay and turn to dust, but all...
by waiter | Oct 22, 2022 | Uncategorized
My wife and I lead busy lives and, when we come home from work and deal with an energetic almost nine year old, we’re often exhausted when the subject of “What’s for dinner?” comes up. Last night we succumbed to laziness and went to a Japanese restaurant – sitting on...
by waiter | Oct 19, 2022 | Uncategorized
One of the perks of being a municipal employee is that I get the flu vaccine for free. No visits to the doctor or pharmacy – just go into the auditorium, roll up your sleeve, and get stuck. “Will you also be getting the COVID vaccine today?” the clerk taking my...
by waiter | Sep 27, 2022 | Uncategorized
Lying on the operating room table, I was strangely calm. Looking at the surgical light hovering above me, I counted how many times I’d been put under anesthesia. Not counting wisdom teeth extractions, having broken bones set or colonoscopies, I’d been put under five...
by waiter | Sep 27, 2022 | Uncategorized
“My blood pressure’s going to be high,” I told the med tech. “Let me guess,” she said. “You have white coat syndrome.” “Yeah,” I said. “That’s it.” The reading came out 140/72. Not as bad as I thought. When I took it at home that morning it was 120/70. I guess...
by waiter | Jul 13, 2022 | Uncategorized
Years ago, when my wife to be and I were Christmas shopping in a ritzy mall replete with Tiffany, Hermes, Rolex and high couture retailers, we decided to get coffee in the VIP lounge to which Annie’s uber elite travelers credit card gave us entrée. When we got inside,...
by waiter | Jul 11, 2022 | Uncategorized
Gabriel’s trumpet sounded, the end of the world came to pass, and the righteous were queued up outside Heaven’s Gate, clamoring to enter Paradise. “I can’t wait to get in,” one of them said. “I’ve worked so hard to get here.” “I heard they serve a mean margarita...
