Now that Pope Francis has gone to his heavenly reward, the handicapping and media hoopla over who’ll be the next Supreme Pontiff is underway. Although Francis stacked the deck, appointing eighty percent of the 135 voting cardinals, I wouldn’t put too much stock in that. As a priest friend of mine told me, the supposedly ‘liberal” Francis was picked by guys appointed by conservatives like John Paul and Benedict XVI.
Some popes like Pius XII and Paul VI were shoo-ins at their conclaves while Karol Wojtyla and Jorge Bergoglio weren’t even on the media’s list of papabile. Cardinals also sometimes pick a man to make up for the previous pontiff’s supposed “shortfalls.” The youthful Wojtyla, who would reign 26 years, was selected after the 33 day reign of Albino Luciani and sunny pastoral Francis after the reserved and academic Ratzinger. But I wouldn’t put too much stock in that either. Of course, people believe the Holy Spirit picks the Pope, but I’ve always thought that was kind of simplistic. “I would not say… that the Holy Spirit picks out the Pope,” Papa Ratzinger said. “Because there are too many contrary instances of popes the Holy Spirit would obviously not have picked.”
For example, Pope Benedict IX (1032) was pope three times, not only selling the papacy for cash but living such a dissolute life that one of his successors bemoaned Benedict’s “rapes, murders and other unspeakable acts of violence and sodomy” and concluded that “His life as a pope was so vile, so foul, so execrable, that I shudder to think of it.” I guess Benedict IX was the original ecclesiastical gangsta. The only guarantee the Holy Spirit gives is the new guy won’t turn the whole thing to shit. And if the Church made it through the Saeculum Obscurum, the Borgias, The Reformation, and the Internet, it’ll probably make it through whomever gets the white beanie next.
But the first sign of how a new pope might govern could be parsed from the name he takes upon election. If it’s Pius XIII or John Paul III, we’ll probably get a more conversative doctrinaire pope. If it’s Francis II or John XXIV, however, Bergoglio’s policies will probably continue. Or the newbie pope could select a name that hasn’t been used in years so as to give no clue to his intentions: perhaps picking Clement, Innocent, Gregory, or Leo. Stephen, the ninth most popular papal name would, of course, be a classy choice. But, if he really wants to screw with people’s heads, the new pope could reach back into history and pick:
Lando II (Complete with The Millenium Falcon. Where’s Billy Dee?)
Agatho II (He can write murder mysteries!)
Linus II (Good grief! A philosopher with a security blanket on his coat of arms.)
Dionysus II (The God of Partying! Good times!)
Peter II (That would scare the shit out of paranoid end of the world types.)
Constantine II (And do battle with demons!)
Eleutherius II (Like, what the fuck?)
Hilarius II (He does stand up comedy! But does he work blue?)
Hyginus II (He’d keep it clean.)
Simplicius II (The Forrest Gump of Popes)
Valentine II (Popes are like a box of chocolates. You never know which one you’re gonna get.)
Zachary II (Pope Zack bro!)
Or the new pontiff could go with the one of the most popular baby boy names in America!
Pope Noah (You’re gonna need a bigger boat.)
Pope Oliver (Here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into.)
Pope Theodore III (Pope Teddy! I can see the plushies in the Vatican gift shop!)
Pope Lucas (The Force is strong with this one.)
Pope Levi 501 (Or DI for the Latinists out there.)
Pope Benjamin (Show me the money!)
I’m also partial to:
Pope Otto or Felix (Dogs I’ve known and loved.)
Pope Telesphorus (Beam me outta here!)
Pope Natalius (The first Anti-Pope, but my daughter Natalie would get a kick out of it.)
Pope Sylvester IV – (I thought I saw a Putty Tat!)
Pope Eugene V (My name is Eugene.)
Pope Jules (“Latin motherfucker! Do you speak it?“)
Pope Conner (There can be only one!)
Whatever name the new pope takes, he has one heck of a job on his hands so let the cardinental sweepstakes begin! My money is on Cardinal Matteo Zuppi from Bologna or Jean-Marc Aveline of Marseille. Papal name? Clement XV.
There can be only one!
