Now in the twelfth year of my reign and sick of all the ecclesiastical bullshit, I, Pope Sixtus VI, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God, and Master of Pontifical Bling, issue the following solemn pronouncements ex cathedra from my secret lair in New Jersey:
1) If you’re a priest playing dress up in satin and lace to celebrate the Latin Mass, I won’t stop you. Your career, however, will be terminal at curate.
2) Open the St. Cajetan Resort & Casino in Las Vegas and direct all profits to pay abuse settlements. Get Joe Pesci and Bob DeNiro to run it. You won’t fuck with those guys.
3) Make Gammarelli sell women’s fashions. I can just see the Instagram accounts.
4) Let people receive the Precious Blood at Mass through a straw. (Which, believe it or not, is a canonically approved option.) Krazy Straws for the kids, however, might be a bit much.
5) Set up online AI powered confessionals. I promise, I won’t sell your information.
6) Drop this whole no homosexuals in the priesthood thing. That’s where I get half my guys anyway.
7) No more of this “And with thy spirit” shit. Now it’ll be “And also wit youse!”
8) Make all priests attend Mass in the pews once month so they see what it’s like to suffer through a bad sermon.
9) Kick all the tourists out of Castel Gandofo. It’s mine, mine, mine!
10) Dig ex Cardinal Theodore McCarrick up and put him on trial. It’s been done before.
11) Change the word “trespass” in the Lord’s Prayer to “debt.” Not only is it a more accurate translation, with the economic shit Trump’s pulling, it’s what we’ll all be in soon.
12) Dispatch an exorcist to the White House and U.S Congress. They need one.
13) Admit all baptized Christians to the Eucharist. Even the Mormons. It’s called market share, folks.
14) Install stadium seating in St. Peters with big screen monitors everywhere. Rent it out for concerts to keep the Vatican’s lights on.
15) Break up dioceses into thousands of smaller ones and create new bishops for each. That way there’ll be so many bishops that getting the job won’t be such a big deal. Right now, they’re all a bunch of whiny prima donnas.
16) When the above mentioned prima donnas send me a dubia, a list of questions suggesting I don’t know what I’m doing, reply, “Like, I’m infallible assholes.”
17) Take all the world’s billionaires on a tour of Mt. Aetna and tell them to get used to the view.
18) Figure out how to blast Prosperity Gospel hucksters with lightning from my fingertips. Darth Sixtus!
19) Give everyone ordered to self-deport from the U.S. Vatican passports.
20) Have Kayne West compose a rap liturgy. What could go wrong?
21) Still sell stuff. Lots of stuff.
22) Rename the Apostolic Penitentiary “The Big House” You’ll love Cardinal Bubba.
23) Give The Pieta to Disney in exchange for the rights to Star Wars. Right now, they’re just fucking it up. (Except for Andor.)
24) Let women become priests. They couldn’t screw up any worse.
25) Stop saying the Easter Bunny is satanic. There are better things you can do like feeding the hungry, giving drink to those who thirst, welcoming the stranger, clothing the naked, taking care of the sick, and visiting those in prison. Don’t waste God’s time!
Happy Easter Everyone! Dominus vobiscum.
Thank you, there are time when I think we’re the only ones who know that State sketch.
This post was written before Pope Francis’ passing. Talk about timing.
https://www.nytimes.com/2025/04/21/world/europe/pope-francis-dead.html
God speed Papa Bergoglio.
Pope Francis will be laid to rest in the Papal Basilica of St. Mary Major in Rome – near Sixtus the Fifth.
You just can’t make this stuff up.