It’s Thursday afternoon and I’ve just finished a quick lunch at a favorite local restaurant. When I pull out my wallet and lay it on the table, my waitress, a slender brunette in her early twenties, catches my signal and delivers the check.

“So you ready for Valentine’s Day?” I ask the waitress as I quickly examine the bill.

“Ugh!” the waitress says, rolling her eyes. “We’ve got reservations until midnight.”

“That’s a good thing,” I reply. ā€œRight?ā€

ā€œWe’ve got ’em packed in like sardines.ā€

ā€œI remember,ā€ I say, shaking my head. ā€œAre you keeping the regular menu?ā€

ā€œNo,ā€ the waitress says. ā€œWe’ve got a small menu. Stuff no one’s ever heard of.ā€

ā€œMistake. The regulars won’t like that.ā€

ā€œNope.ā€

ā€œThat’s the nature of the beast,ā€ I say, handing the waitress my credit card.

ā€œI guess,ā€ she says, ā€œI’ll be right back with this.ā€

ā€œThank you.ā€

As I watch the waitress walk away I shudder as I think about all the Valentine’s Days I worked as a server. After Mother’s Day, the great Cupidnal shakedown is one of the busiest days of the restaurant year. Owners and managers usually accept more reservations than their restaurants can comfortably hold while persisting in the profit driven delusion that customers will gladly eat their overpriced meals and exit the premises in under an hour. And don’t get me started about the seating plan. Because all the tables have been converted into two-tops, the traffic lanes waiters are forced to navigate become more constricted than the arteries inside a lard addicted six hundred pound man. If you’re eating out on February 14th, don’t be surprised if your server accidentally bumps his or her ass in your face. It gets that crowded. Then again, depending on the ass, it could be an enjoyable experience.

The waitress returns with my check. I sign it, count out a tip in cash, and hand it back to her.

ā€œThanks Steve,ā€ the waitress says.

ā€œMy pleasure.ā€

ā€œSo you going out on Valentine’s Day?ā€ the waitress asks.

ā€œI’m off the hook this year.ā€

ā€œNo special someone?ā€

ā€œEven if there was, I’d cook her dinner at home.ā€

ā€œThat’s smart,ā€ the waitress replies. ā€œMy boyfriend’s in the business too. We’re going out tonight.ā€

ā€œYou’ll have a better time.ā€

ā€œBut you know what sucks this year?ā€ the waitress asks.

ā€œWhat?ā€

ā€œValentine’s Day is on a Saturday.ā€

ā€œThat does suck,ā€ I reply, ā€œIt’s not like you get an extra big money day plus a Saturday. You’re just getting a crazy Saturday night.ā€

ā€œAnd I could’ve used the extra big money day,ā€ the waitress says. ā€œBusiness has been really bad lately.ā€

ā€œHow bad?ā€

ā€œIt’s off fifty percent.ā€

ā€œHow’s the tip percentage been holding up?ā€

ā€œPeople used to tip eighteen to twenty percent,ā€ the waitress replies. ā€œNow they’re tipping fifteen to eighteen percent ā€“ on smaller checks.ā€

ā€œSo it’s a double whammy.ā€

ā€œYou bet.ā€

ā€œWhere’s the stimulus package for waiters?ā€ I ask. ā€œGoddamn bankers are being paid billions in bonuses with our tax dollars. Why can’t waiters get a break?ā€

ā€œAnd they’re the one who got us into this mess,ā€ the waitress says.

ā€œMaybe the government can give waiters across the country a payroll tax holiday for a month,ā€ I say. ā€œPut a little money back in their pockets.ā€

ā€œThat’s be nice.ā€

ā€œWell,ā€ I say, getting up from the table. ā€œI hope everyone tips heavy on Valentine’s Day. Maybe that could be a sort of stimulus package for waiters.ā€

ā€œWhy don’t you write that up in your blog?ā€ the waitress asks. ā€œGet the word out.ā€

ā€œYou know what?ā€ I say, ā€œI will.ā€

ā€œCool.ā€

ā€œAnd when I come back,ā€ I say. ā€œYou can tell me how many people you caught having Valentine’s Day sex in the ladies room.ā€

ā€œOh god,ā€ the waitress exclaims. ā€œThere’s at least one every year!ā€

So you’ve heard it here folks. Waiters, bus people, bartenders, hostesses, and coat check girls are suffering terribly during this recession. If you are going out to eat tonight, please, despite the overcrowding, shrunken entrees, humping in the restrooms, and high prices, please give the restaurant staff a grassroots stimulus package ā€“ TIP HEAVY!

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