100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do (Part 2) WTF?

November 6th, 2009 by Waiter

Here we go again!

100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do (Part 2)

By BRUCE BUSCHEL

This is the second half of the 100 do’s and don’ts from last week’s post. Again, this list is for one particular restaurant, mine, which is under construction in Bridgehampton, N.Y., and will, with any luck, open this spring. I realize that every deli needs a wisecracking waiter, most pizza joints can handle heavy metal, and burgers always taste better when delivered by a server with tattoos and tongue piercing(s).

Not even a hundred suggestions can cover all the bases, so one is grateful for the many comments following the 50, including striking “you guys” from the restaurant lexicon and making sure the alcohol order is taken lickety-split. Thanks for all of the help.

51. If there is a service charge, alert your guests when you present the bill. It’s not a secret or a trick. I agree. But if your customer’s been a hard drinking obnoxious fool go for the double tip! That’s when a waiter writes the total (Including the automatic gratuity) on the back of the check and circles it - often scrawling smiley faces and effusive “Thank yous!” as a distraction. Then when the inebriated customer stupidly adds a tip on top of it you shout “Ka-Ching!” Dishonest, I know, but occasionally satisfying. The lesson here? Always examine your bill!

52. Know your menu inside and out. If you serve Balsam Farm candy-striped beets, know something about Balsam Farm and candy-striped beets. And know all those brand name adjectives are usually marketing bullshit.

53. Do not let guests double-order unintentionally; remind the guest who orders ratatouille that zucchini comes with the entree. Am I wrong or is a simple side of zucchini different than ratatouille? Besides, I like ratatouille. Got a problem with that? Fucking food police.

54. If there is a prix fixe, let guests know about it. Do not force anyone to ask for the “special” menu. Agreed. If you don’t tell little old people about that prix fixe they’ll beat you to death with their walkers.

55. Do not serve an amuse-bouche without detailing the ingredients. Allergies are a serious matter; peanut oil can kill. (This would also be a good time to ask if anyone has any allergies.) Waiters are neither physicians or psychics. It’s a customer’s responsibility to tell the waiter if they’re suffering from a food allergy. Should we start offering Benadryl as an amuse-bouche? Next thing you know we’ll be running pre-dining blood tests on the patrons.

56. Do not ignore a table because it is not your table. Stop, look, listen, lend a hand. (Whether tips are pooled or not.) But what happens if the restaurant owner chronically understaffs his or her restaurant to save on overhead? Take care of your own tables! When the shit hits the fan it’s every waiter for himself.

57. Bring the pepper mill with the appetizer. Do not make people wait or beg for a condiment. Ah yes, the infamous pepper mill. Comes in handy as a club. Just think of the customers as baby seals.

58. Do not bring judgment with the ketchup. Or mustard. Or hot sauce. Or whatever condiment is requested. Do all your snickering in the back. “That guy wanted ketchup on his duck! What a tool!”

59. Do not leave place settings that are not being used. Unless the customer thinks their imaginary date’s eating with them.

60. Bring all the appetizers at the same time, or do not bring the appetizers. Same with entrees and desserts. This only works when the kitchen’s got their act together. If an app’s getting cold while I’m waiting for the chef to whip up the other dishes I’m bringing it out while it’s still hot.

61. Do not stand behind someone who is ordering. Make eye contact. Thank him or her. But occasionally you’ll run into a schizoid patron who’ll never makes eye contact with you. Freaky.

62. Do not fill the water glass every two minutes, or after each sip. You’ll make people nervous. True. With all these rules a waiter in Buschel’s restaurant will probably be nervous enough as it is.

62(a). Do not let a glass sit empty for too long. Use this as opportunity to up-sell more overpriced bottled water!

63. Never blame the chef or the busboy or the hostess or the weather for anything that goes wrong. That’s because chefs will always find a way to make it the waiter’s fault. Bastards.

64. Specials, spoken and printed, should always have prices. If you have to ask you can’t afford it. Specials are almost always more expensive than printed entrees. Use your head.

65. Always remove used silverware and replace it with new. Especially when that kid jeeped up on Ritalin’s been throwing his forks on the floor every ten seconds.

66. Do not return to the guest anything that falls on the floor — be it napkin, spoon, menu or soy sauce. But if a guy lets a condom slip out of his pocket be sure to return it wearing thick Hazmat gloves. Drugs on the floor? You just got your tip in advance!

67. Never stack the plates on the table. They make a racket. Shhhhhh. I prefer to deal them out like playing cards.

68. Do not reach across one guest to serve another. I used to work with a waiter who liked to “accidentally” clip obstreperous customers in the head with a tray. He was my hero.

69. If a guest is having trouble making a decision, help out. If someone wants to know your life story, keep it short. If someone wants to meet the chef, make an effort. Here’s a a restaurant axiom I’ve always lived by – a waiter controls the table. Time is money. If a customer’s dithering use your Jedi skills to plunge into their mind and make them order something. If someone wants to meet the chef? Make sure he’s not drunk, banging the hostess and has wiped the cocaine residue from underneath his nose. And if a a customer wants to know my life story? My book is available at fine retailers for about ten bucks. Autographs are extra.

70. Never deliver a hot plate without warning the guest. And never ask a guest to pass along that hot plate. But if that Ritalin brat wants to touch the plate? Consider it a teachable moment.

71. Do not race around the dining room as if there is a fire in the kitchen or a medical emergency. (Unless there is a fire in the kitchen or a medical emergency.) I worked in a place where the owner always blocked the fire exits with equipment and extra tables. If the restaurant caught fire we all knew we we’re gonna burn. Why run?

72. Do not serve salad on a freezing cold plate; it usually advertises the fact that it has not been freshly prepared. I had the reverse problem at a restaurant I once worked at. Because the owner was so cheap we never had enough salad plates. When it got crazy the salad guy would arrange the salad on plates red hot from the dishwasher. You better believe I threw those greens into the blast chiller.

73. Do not bring soup without a spoon. Few things are more frustrating than a bowl of hot soup with no spoon. How about a straw? I like the taste of plastic!

74. Let the guests know the restaurant is out of something before the guests read the menu and order the missing dish. And take away the satisfaction of getting a guest all hyped up about a dish and then saying “Oh, so sorry. We’re out of that?” Life is about small pleasures.

75. Do not ask if someone is finished when others are still eating that course. Use that moment to sell more booze!

76. Do not ask if a guest is finished the very second the guest is finished. Let guests digest, savor, reflect. How much reflection does a customer need? In 24 hours we all know where that food’s going.

77. Do not disappear. Unless you’re getting that handjob from the three martini cougar.

78. Do not ask, “Are you still working on that?” Dining is not work — until questions like this are asked. What you should say is “Are you still enjoying your entree?” That’s waiterspeak for “You done yet?”

79. When someone orders a drink “straight up,” determine if he wants it “neat” — right out of the bottle — or chilled. Up is up, but “straight up” is debatable. Sad but true. I once ordered a dirty martini “up” got warm vodka and olive juice “neat” in a rocks glass. Disgusting.

80. Never insist that a guest settle up at the bar before sitting down; transfer the tab. A restaurant should have a policy to transfer bar tabs to checks in place before they open their doors for the first time.

81. Know what the bar has in stock before each meal. Waiters should know. They dip into the bar’s “stock” all the time.

82. If you drip or spill something, clean it up, replace it, offer to pay for whatever damage you may have caused. Refrain from touching the wet spots on the guest. Just tell that three-martini cougar the “wet spot” will come out with salt and club soda.

83. Ask if your guest wants his coffee with dessert or after. Same with an after-dinner drink. If they’re Americans they’ll want coffee with dessert. If they’re Europeans? They’ll want coffee afterwards and you’ll know your tip’s gonna suck.

84. Do not refill a coffee cup compulsively. Ask if the guest desires a refill. Control the customers’ caffeine intake. They’re usually uptight enough as it is.

84(a). Do not let an empty coffee cup sit too long before asking if a refill is desired. And if you do refill it, give them decaf.

85. Never bring a check until someone asks for it. Then give it to the person who asked for it. But if the table’s camping out and the restaurant manger is breathing down your neck because he’s got a line of hungry customers spilling out onto the sidewalk - drop that check! Turn and burn baby!

86. If a few people signal for the check, find a neutral place on the table to leave it. Drop it like a hockey puck and run!

87. Do not stop your excellent service after the check is presented or paid. True. Rapid personality changes are usually indicative of a borderline personality disorder. Many hostesses suffer from this.

88. Do not ask if a guest needs change. Just bring the change. And if they’ve been a pain the ass give them a wad of singles reeking of stripper crotch.

89. Never patronize a guest who has a complaint or suggestion; listen, take it seriously, address it. Yeah, I’ll admit I had a problem with this.

90. If someone is getting agitated or effusive on a cellphone, politely suggest he keep it down or move away from other guests. Buy one of those cell phone jamming devices. It’ll also stop the waiters from compulsively texting and watching porn on their iPhones.

91. If someone complains about the music, do something about it, without upsetting the ambiance. But how about when waiters complain about the music? I was forced to listen to Nessun Dorma so many times that it induces seizures when I hear it now!

92. Never play a radio station with commercials or news or talking of any kind. Call me blue collar, but I always thought a TV above a restaurant’s bar added a touch of class to the joint.

93. Do not play brass — no brassy Broadway songs, brass bands, marching bands, or big bands that feature brass, except a muted flugelhorn. I think Bruce had a traumatic incident while at band camp.

94. Do not play an entire CD of any artist. If someone doesn’t like Frightened Rabbit or Michael Bublé, you have just ruined a meal. If they don’t like the Bob Dylan CD I’ve got playing, screw ‘em. The man is a god.

95. Never hover long enough to make people feel they are being watched or hurried, especially when they are figuring out the tip or signing for the check. I agree with this. But when you’ve got to turn that table, hovering with a homicidal gleam in your eye can be a valuable weapon.

96. Do not say anything after a tip — be it good, bad, indifferent — except, “Thank you very much.” But when you get home input all your cheap tippers into the “Shitty Tipper Database.” Oh damn! Bitterwaitress took it down. Coward!

97. If a guest goes gaga over a particular dish, get the recipe for him or her. That’ll go over real well with the chef on a busy night Bruce. Have all the recipes for the items on your restaurant’s menu pre-printed so your customers can make it at home.

98. Do not wear too much makeup or jewelry. You know you have too much jewelry when it jingles and/or draws comments. You are a soulless automation without a personality. Don’t forget that.

99. Do not show frustration. Your only mission is to serve. Be patient. It is not easy. That’s why waiters drink while working! It’s for your protection folks!

100. Guests, like servers, come in all packages. Show a “good table” your appreciation with a free glass of port, a plate of biscotti or something else management approves. Trust me, it’s more fun to give the customer something management doesn’t approve of! Just don’t get caught. Free scotch always upped my tips.

Bonus Track: As Bill Gates has said, “Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.” (Of course, Microsoft is one of the most litigious companies in history, so one can take Mr. Gates’s counsel with a grain of salt. Gray sea salt is a nice addition to any table.)

Microsoft listens to their unhappy customers? Window’s Vista. Enough said.

I know I ragged on you Bruce but believe me when I say I never want to see a restaurant go under. Not even yours! Waiters need all the jobs the can get. And who knows? Maybe I’ll visit your restaurant and review it on my blog! My best wishes for your success.

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Damn!

November 5th, 2009 by Waiter

This is an actual check from Nello’s restaurant in New York City. $47,221.09! Goddamn! Talk about living large.

Of course everybody’s wondering who got to keep that $7328.20 tip! (Did you notice it was calculated pre-tax?) As a former waiter I knew no single server got to keep all that scratch. If they tried they’d risk a post shift knifing in a back alley. So, to get the skinny, I called Nello’s and talked to the actual waiter who served those well heeled customers.

The waiter was very circumspect and didn’t want to talk about his patrons. No problem. I wouldn’t either. But he told me that tips are pooled at Nello’s and that night’s glorious take was divided up among fifteen employees - waiters, food runners, bartenders, bus people and a maitre’d. In a pool house it’s common to divvy up the tips according to a percentage formula. And while the waiter at Nello’s wouldn’t tell me what that formula was, it’s obvious that everyone had a nice pay day! Congratualtions guys!

Can I get a job there? Please?

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The Today Show - Again!

November 4th, 2009 by Waiter

Hey everybody. I’ll be on The Today Show with Kathie Lee and Hoda between 10 and 10:30 (EST) this morning. My second time on Today!

Here’s the link to the video!

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Rumor Control

November 3rd, 2009 by Waiter

There’s been a rumor floating around the internet for some time that Oprah Winfrey once said, referring to the depressed state of the economy, that “It’s okay to tip 10%.” After receiving countless emails on this subject I thought I’d put this matter to rest. Oprah never said that! In fact a spokesman from Harpo Productions, Dan Holbroooke, had this to say.

“She did recently feature the founder of the blog ‘Waiter Rant’ on her show to discuss the idea that tipping less than 15 percent is considered rude.”

I’l take that as a ironclad refutation! And If you don’t believe me scour the internet. You won’t find any legitimate record of her saying those words. Nothing in print, audio or video. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Now Oprah is more than capable of  taking care of herself and doesn’t need me to defend her - but I’m sick of getting all those emails. She never said it’s okay to tip 10%! Got it? Case closed. To use the words of Chris Crocker - “Just leave her alone!”

But if you want to talk about cheapskate customers using the state of the economy as an excuse to tip less than 15-20%, that’s another story! Have you waiters in the trenches noticed a drop in tip percentages? Or are people just ordering less expensive food and drink which result in lower check totals and tips? Rage on in the comments section.

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One Hundred Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do! WTF?

October 29th, 2009 by Waiter

There was an entry in today’s “You’re the Boss” blog on the New York Times website entitled “One Hundred Things Restaurant Staffers should never do. (Part 1).” Oh man, I just had this rip a new one. My responses are in italics.

ONE HUNDRED THINGS RESTAURANT STAFFERS SHOULD NEVER DO

By BRUCE BUSCHEL

1. Do not let anyone enter the restaurant without a warm greeting. Translation - “I’ll be happy to make you feel warm, cuddly and take you for everything you’re worth.”

2. Do not make a singleton feel bad. Do not say, “Are you waiting for someone?” Ask for a reservation. Ask if he or she would like to sit at the bar. Yeah, but we waiters know you’re on a blind date and are already laying bets if you’re gonna bolt when you discover your internet love is 300 pounds of unwashed manic-depressive goodness.

3. Never refuse to seat three guests because a fourth has not yet arrived. This is complete bullshit and a money loser for the restaurant. What happens when you seat those three people but their friend doesn’t show up for an hour? I’ll tell you what – they’ll eat bread and water while waiting for their friend to get his or her chronically passive-aggressive late ass in gear. The result being that the restaurant can’t turn the table and no one, including the waiter, makes money.

4. If a table is not ready within a reasonable length of time, offer a free drink and/or amuse-bouche. The guests may be tired and hungry and thirsty, and they did everything right. Okay, that might work if your restaurant has a bar or some other space for people to enjoy their “amuse-bouche.” But have you seen how tightly packed restaurants are in Manhattan? Enjoy your free cocktail in that coat closet!

5. Tables should be level without anyone asking. Fix it before guests are seated. Yeah, we had little rubber wedges called “Shuv-Its” to level the table. Whenever I had a customer who whined about their table (After they knocked it askew with their goddamn baby carriage) I’d tell them it’d help them “Shove it.” Got some priceless looks with that line.

6. Do not lead the witness with, “Bottled water or just tap?” Both are fine. Remain neutral. Since when did customers become witnesses? Maybe when the waiter goes postal and indulges in some blunt force trauma fun with a bottle of Perrier.

7. Do not announce your name. No jokes, no flirting, no cuteness. I agree with this one. Telling a customer your name just gives them permission to shout it across the dining room when they run out of bread. But no cuteness? How can I not be me?

8. Do not interrupt a conversation. For any reason. Especially not to recite specials. Wait for the right moment. But if they’re rude and talking on a cell phone for ten minutes – interrupt away. Half the time they’re talking to their therapist anyway. Smashing the phone to bits is a nice touch too.

9. Do not recite the specials too fast or robotically or dramatically. It is not a soliloquy. This is not an audition. So how are the actors waiting tables ever going to get any practice in? How can they bring “something unique to their role?”

10. Do not inject your personal favorites when explaining the specials. So what do you do when a customers asks, “Well, what do you like?” Tell them it’s all good? Something sucks. Customers aren’t that stupid.

11. Do not hustle the lobsters. That is, do not say, “We only have two lobsters left.” Even if there are only two lobsters left. But if you hear a waiter say “the lobster’s been very popular tonight” that means we’re running low.

12. Do not touch the rim of a water glass. Or any other glass. Agreed. You can really never know if your waiter washed his hands after taking a dump.

13. Handle wine glasses by their stems and silverware by the handles. See above.

14. When you ask, “How’s everything?” or “How was the meal?” listen to the answer and fix whatever is not right. Wrong. A good waiter should never ask “How’s everything?” That entertains the possibility that the kitchen produced crap. Perish the thought! Customers need to grow a set and tell the waiter they don’t like their food. We’re not mind readers.

15. Never say “I don’t know” to any question without following with, “I’ll find out.” Aw man, just Google the answer on your iPhone table side. Get with the 21^st century.

16. If someone requests more sauce or gravy or cheese, bring a side dish of same. No pouring. Let them help themselves. Yes, the restaurant doesn’t want to be named in a lawsuit when the customer finally has that heart attack.

17. Do not take an empty plate from one guest while others are still eating the same course. Wait, wait, wait. Yeah, but some customers hate having an empty plate in front of them whether or not someone else is eating. What do you do in that circumstance? Tell them they’re being rude? Maybe smashing the plate on the floor’s the answer.

18. Know before approaching a table who has ordered what. Do not ask, “Who’s having the shrimp?” I agree with this. That’s why waiters note the position of the diner on their dupe pad. But what do you do when the customers pay musical chairs? It’s auction off the food time!

19. Offer guests butter and/or olive oil with their bread. Wait a minute. I though Bloomberg banned all fats from New York City!

20. Never refuse to substitute one vegetable for another. So when you run out of that organically farmed heirloom asparagus grown by environmental pot smoking hippies give them nothing.

21. Never serve anything that looks creepy or runny or wrong. Sound like some of the blind dates I’ve seen my customers reel in. Throw it back!

22. If someone is unsure about a wine choice, help him. That might mean sending someone else to the table or offering a taste or two. But if the customer wants to try every wine in the place they’re trying to get drunk on your dime. Happens.

23. If someone likes a wine, steam the label off the bottle and give it to the guest with the bill. It has the year, the vintner, the importer, etc. I guess Mr. Buschel has never worked in place that was kick ass crazy busy. I’d write the info down on a piece of paper. Busy waiters don’t have time for arts and crafts projects.

24. Never use the same glass for a second drink. When the dishwasher’s on his marijuana break and there are no clean glasses to be found, you better believe we reuse that glass. Or somebody else’s! A quick rinse in the slop sink and you’re good to go.

25. Make sure the glasses are clean. Inspect them before placing them on the table. That’s because the lipstick some chicks smear on their mouths has the staying power of grout sealant.

26. Never assume people want their white wine in an ice bucket. Inquire. And make sure not to laugh when they want ice cubes in their Brunello! Snicker, snicker…….

27. For red wine, ask if the guests want to pour their own or prefer the waiter to pour. So just how are we supposed to hustle wine and increase everyone’s profits? I give Buschel’s restaurant less than a year. Again, customers need to grow a set here. If you want to control your intake tell the waiter you’ll do all the pouring.

28. Do not put your hands all over the spout of a wine bottle while removing the cork. Don’t want to give anyone a dose of that H1N1 you’ve been fighting but can’t take time off to recuperate from because your boss is a soulless, mercenary asshole.

29. Do not pop a champagne cork. Remove it quietly, gracefully. The less noise the better. Agreed. But if the customer’s a real pain in the ass aim for their eye.

30. Never let the wine bottle touch the glass into which you are pouring. No one wants to drink the dust or dirt from the bottle. Does that’s that hold true for serving beer too?

31. Never remove a plate full of food without asking what went wrong. Obviously, something went wrong. Have you seen the Brobdingnagian portions some restaurants serve? If you ate if all you’d explode like Mr. Creosote!

32. Never touch a customer. No excuses. Do not do it. Do not brush them, move them, wipe them or dust them. So what do you do if that three martini cougar offers you a handjob?

33. Do not bang into chairs or tables when passing by. I’d agree with this if greedy NYC restauranteurs didn’t pack their guests cheek to jowl like chickens on a poultry farm.

34. Do not have a personal conversation with another server within earshot of customers. But if its the end of the night and you have a romantic couple that just won’t get out, a high volume discussion about genital warts is in order.

35. Do not eat or drink in plain view of guests. I’d agree with this if restaurants weren’t so cheap and actually fed their employees! I worked at one place where they deducted $2 per shift for staff meals and didn’t give us any! “Madam, if your done with your osso bucco may I have it?”

36. Never reek from perfume or cigarettes. People want to smell the food and beverage. Man, I had to deal with waiters who never took showers! You prayed they covered up the stank with a good toke of B.C. Bud.

37. Do not drink alcohol on the job, even if invited by the guests. “Not when I’m on duty” will suffice. Oh give me a fucking break. Without alcohol waiters would be killing restaurant managers and hostesses every day.

38. Do not call a guy a “dude.” Unless he’s a surfer.

39. Do not call a woman “lady.” I prefer the terms “Madam” and “Broad.”

40. Never say, “Good choice,” implying that other choices are bad. Yeah, but some of the options on the menu really do suck.

41. Saying, “No problem” is a problem. It has a tone of insincerity or sarcasm. “My pleasure” or “You’re welcome” will do. Bullshit. People who use these pleasantries are just as likely to be turds like anyone else. “..one may smile, and smile, and be a villain.” You’re not the only one who can whip out Shakespeare Mr. Buschel!

42. Do not compliment a guest’s attire or hairdo or makeup. You are insulting someone else. But can you tell a guy when his fly’s open? There are some things I just don’t want to see.

43. Never mention what your favorite dessert is. It’s irrelevant. Translation? You’re only a waiter. You’re nobody. You’re irrelevant. Something tells me Mr. Buschel’s a bit of an elitist. Good luck with the restaurant buddy! You’re gonna have a hard time finding waiters when they read this tripe.

44. Do not discuss your own eating habits, be you vegan or lactose intolerant or diabetic. Yeah, no one wants to know you’re a sickly nuts and twigger anyway.

45. Do not curse, no matter how young or hip the guests. That’s an example of ageism right there! What makes you think old people don’t appreciate salty language? “Happy Fucking Eightieth Birthday Grandma!”

46. Never acknowledge any one guest over and above any other. All guests are equal. Oh please……just kiss up to the person paying the bill.

47. Do not gossip about co-workers or guests within earshot of guests. But if the guests are the parents or significant other of a waiter you hate, let that story about their linen closet/cucumber dildo episode slip out. Ooops. Did I say that?

48. Do not ask what someone is eating or drinking when they ask for more; remember or consult the order. But waiters lose the order slip half the time anyway. I’d much rather ask the customer than deliver them the wrong dish. You know why? Because the restaurant will make you pay for it if it is!

49. Never mention the tip, unless asked. But if they do ask feel free to inquire if they’re related to Ebeneezer Scrooge.

50. Do not turn on the charm when it’s tip time. Be consistent throughout. I’ve found a consistent, “Don’t even think of fucking with me” attitude is usually more appropriate.

Man, I can’t wait to see “Part 2.”

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