I’m eating dinner with a young woman at a restaurant on the Lower East Side. As the discussion winds though typical first date topics like work, hobbies, friends, and family histories, we end up on an interesting subject – chivalry.

β€œWhen I’m on the subway,” my date says, β€œDo you know who I always see give up their seat for an elderly person or a woman?”

β€œWho?” I reply.

β€œOld men.”

β€œInteresting.”

β€œI’ve noticed that they’re always the first to offer their seat to an elderly or pregnant woman.”

β€œOften when they need the seats themselves,” I say. β€œProbably because that’s how they were raised.”

β€œTrue.”

β€œWho’s bad at giving up their seats?” I ask.

β€œFinancial type guys in their thirties and early forties,” the young woman replies. β€œThey’re the worst.”

β€œI think that age range is called the ‘asshole period,’” I say.

β€œAnd how.”

β€œThose guys are usually married, mortgaged with kids, and in full career battle mode,” I say. β€œThey’ve got a lot on their minds. I think they’d be chivalrous if they weren’t so preoccupied.”

β€œThat’s no excuse.”

β€œSelf-centeredness is usually the reason people act like assholes.”

β€œTrue.”

β€œThen again,” I say. β€œNot everyone is receptive to chivalry.”

β€œHow?”

β€œMy friend Laura is one of those high powered New York types,” I say. β€œWonderful person, nice – but she doesn’t like having doors opened for her.”

β€œI know people like that.”

β€œAnyway,” I say. β€œWe were on a business trip and, after a while, I just had to tell her ‘Laura, this is how I was raised. I’m opening the door for you. Deal with it.’”

β€œHow’d she react?”

β€œShe let me act like myself which was very gracious.”

β€œGood.”

β€œBut some women don’t like men holding the door open for them,” I say. β€œThey think it smacks of sexism or elitism.”

β€œWell some women think that when guys open the door for us you’re just sneaking a peek at our butts.”

β€œTrue,” I say. β€œBut when I open the door for a lady I keep my eyes straight ahead.” (Well, most of the time.)

β€œThat’s nice.”

I chuckle inwardly. I once took a tour of some antebellum mansion in the Deep South. When the tour guide lead us up the grand staircase, she told us to proceed up the stairs like society people did in 1860 – men first, ladies second. This wasn’t because men were considered superior, she explained, it was to prevent randy males from trying to look up the ladies’ hoop dresses. Maybe chivalry is a code women subconsciously made us adapt to protect them from male sexual aggressiveness. Hmmmm. There’s a topic for some researcher.

β€œI think chivalry was a societal code that evolved to help try and protect women.” I say. β€œNow that we’re in the twenty-first century and women need men’s protection less, the need for chivalry might be on the decrease.”

β€œMaybe,” my date says β€œBut sometimes women don’t want to accept help from men because they think the guy’s got another agenda.”

β€œThat happens.”

β€œI can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a woman struggle with a stroller up the stairs and refuse help from a guy.”

β€œI’ve seen that too.”

β€œThat’s because the woman think the guy’s creepy for offering to help,” my date says.

β€œWhen the guy’s just trying to be nice,” I say.

β€œWhen my friend Josh sees a lady struggling with a carriage he goes up to her and says ‘Oh my wife and I have the same carriage. Aren’t they a pain?’ and then helps the lady up the stairs.”

β€œLet me guess,” I say. β€œJosh doesn’t have kids.”

β€œJosh’s not even married. β€œ

β€œSo he had to lie in order to do the right thing.”

β€œIt put the mother at ease.”

β€œEven though being married with kids is not a vaccine against bad behavior.”

β€œNo,” my date says. β€œBut I guess some information is better than none.”

β€œTrue.”

The rest of out meal goes swimmingly – expect for a truly awful dessert which we leave almost untouched. When the check’s delivered I pay. I don’t believe in going dutch on first dates. I don’t argue with the waiter about the dessert either. It’s not his fault it’s bad. When dinner ends I help my date into her coat, open the door for her, talk about getting together for another date, give her an appropriate kiss, watch her leave, hail myself a cab, and head to the Port Authority.

Once I get on my bus I settle in for the ride home. The bus is full but everyone has a seat. When the bus makes it’s first stop in Weehawken, however, several people get on and have to stand. One’s an old women. Honestly, I’m tired and I’d like to sit – but a value isn’t a value unless you suffer for it. I get up and offer my seat.

Only to have some kid dive into it.

β€œExcuse me,” I say, surprised. β€œI gave up my seat for that women over there.”

The kid looks at me, iPodded and oblivious. He must be in his β€œasshole” phase already. I just keep staring at him.

β€œWhat?” he says, puling on ear bud out of his head.

β€œThat seat isn’t for you,” I say. β€œIt’s for that old lady over there.”

β€œOh! Sorry, yo.”

β€œCould you let her have it, please?”

β€œNo problem,” the kids says, getting up. β€œHey lady!” he says to the old woman β€œTake this seat.”

β€œThank you, dear.” the old woman says, shuffling over. β€œI appreciate that. I’m going all the way to Paterson.”

The young man did the right thing – with a little prompting. Self-centeredness, or just being oblivious, is often the cause of rude behavior.Β OccasionallyΒ everyone needs a little push. And believe me, I’m no saint. I need a push now and then too.

As the bus shakes and rattles across the battered Jersey roads, I smile to myself. Chivalry is not dead.

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