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Sit the fuck down!

April 26th, 2004 by Waiter

So you want the best table in the house? You are not alone. Everyone in this entitled culture feels they deserve the best tables. Never been here before? Why right this way to table nirvana. Going to order $10 bucks worth of salad? Let me fall over myself while I kick Christy Turlington out of her table. You asshole.

The best tables are for the best customers. People who spend cash and know how to behave in a restaurant. The couple that spends the cool hundred and tip twenty is going to beat your tap water and garden salad every time. It’s like the real world. Want a pricey address? Better show up with cash in hand.

The worst offenders are women. Usually at lunch

They walk in, often without a reservation, and demand to sit in the nicest spots. Some of these bitches have an anatomical anomaly that allows their heads to spin a full 360 while scanning the floor for a choice spot. If you say that the table is reserved they demand to speak to the manager (which always elicits a smile from me since I am the manager). I have actually had women storm out even though there was a reserved sign on the table they wanted. It’s a lot of fun watching the expressions of anger trying to play out on their faces, but all the botox renders every forty plus woman from Westchester incapable of frowning. Even if I can give them the table they want (Hey if its slow its yours, I am not an ogre,) I know they will order nothing and spend the next four hours talking “about their lives as women.” Prattle drone prattle.

Other assoholic moves are people who want a table for four although there are only two of them. What? If the place fills up what am I supposed to do? Turn people away because your purses are warming two perfectly good chairs? That’s a mismanagement of resources and the owner is entitled to seat people in a way that maximizes the profitably of his establishment. Deal with a small table.

Also people who want to move their table because they feel slighted are fucking everything up. The seating arrangement on a Saturday night is crafted with the same meticulousness as the plans for the Gulf War. Everyone gets a table with an allotted time to eat. Remember that shit about how a butterfly beating his wings creates a tsunami a world away? It’s the same principle. Move one table and the whole war plan falls apart and the hostess becomes a psychotic bitch while she tries to reroute traffic before the whole place turns into traffic accident.

Posted in Uncategorized 33 Comments »

33 Responses to “Sit the fuck down!”

tilted halos wrote on 06/11/08 at 5:31 am :

[...] a sample of one of his earlier rants. If you like it, you’ll love the rest, trust [...]
Lizz wrote on 07/20/08 at 5:53 pm :

Ok… so I’ve got 2 comments to this. First off, I haven’t been in the restraunt industry too long and I’ll admit I’ve mainly been BOH, but I’ve definitely heard servers complain that those tables with the $100 check and leave “only” $20. It’s actually gotten me to the point that I tip closer to 30% anymore, not that it actually helps out the people I work with really, but at least then I don’t feel like an ass. And second… the tables for 2 can only go so far depending on how much food you’re eating. Usually when I go out with a friend and get seated at a 2 top we usually end up basically holding plates in our laps. Though I suppose thats what happens when you order appetizers, soup, salad, entrees, and desert. Sometimes you need to look at how much a person is going to order before you damn them to the 2 seater.
Beth wrote on 07/24/08 at 11:05 pm :

That was the most ridiculous thing I have ever read in my life. You could have definately had a full course meal with 4 people seated at a “two top” if you had a server who knew enough to clear away the proper plates at the proper times. In the end when the check is presented the only thing remaining on the table should be the beverages the patrons are still drinking.
picky bitcchh wrote on 08/1/08 at 10:14 pm :

haha if you need more room take four tables at mcdonalds, kay
slappy wrote on 08/3/08 at 4:12 pm :

I have no problem tipping and usually leave 25% IF THE SERVICE IS GOOD!!!! Waiters who have the attitude that EXPECT 20% piss me off. They are usually the ones never come to the table to fill my iced tea.
Super Hostess wrote on 08/6/08 at 2:21 am :

THANK YOU FOR SAYING IT ALL! I’ve been a long time fan, your rants make me laugh and groan in sympathy.
~Super Hostess
klg19 wrote on 09/8/08 at 7:55 am :

The seating arrangement on a Saturday night is crafted with the same meticulousness as the plans for the Gulf War.

You might want to rethink that sentence.
Sarah wrote on 09/11/08 at 6:38 pm :

I’ve never understood why people care where they sit. Unless there’s a spectacular view or live entertainent, what the fuck does it matter? Aesthetic dickery– people being dicks just for the sake of it.
Craig Duckett wrote on 09/16/08 at 12:03 pm :

I was in the food service industry for twenty-five years and over the years did everything there was to do–dishwasher, pantry, line cook, busboy, host, waiter, bartender, and manager (I retired a bartender).

Once I was waiting tables at an upscale restaurant on Lake Union in Seattle (lovely view of downtown across the water) and, as luck would have it, I found myself in a three week slump of narcissistic customers, bad tippers, and the just-plain clueless. I finally reached the end of my rope with a four-top of two well-to-do couples who ran me ragged. Nothing was good enough for them, or else the food wasn’t hot, or now it was too hot, and could we please get a side of this, and now a side of this, and now a side of this, ad ininitum. During all this I just knew I was going to get “stiffed”, and of course I was.

As the four-top was leaving, one of the women tripped and dropped her purse and 20 pieces of silverware spilled out all over the floor. I immediately grinned as big as the Cheshire Cat. I gave her husband a simple choice: either we could call the police, or he could purchase the silverware for $5 a piece. He prompty paid $100 for the silverware and then, flustered, quickly left the restaurant without the silverware. Sweet!

And now the punchline.

Their tab came to $198, and they paid with two crisp one hundred dollar bills and told me to keep the change. Later, when I was doing my books at the end of the night, I realized one of their benjamins didn’t feel right and discovered it was actually TWO hundred dollar bills stuck together. Talk about karma! Not only did I get a hun for the silverware they never took, but I got another unintentional hun since they did tell me to keep the change.

I still chuckle about that one and it’s been twenty years.
Paul wrote on 09/20/08 at 12:21 am :

RE #7 You are right, Waiter should rethink this. The Saturday night seating plan is probably more intricate in terms of planning than the Gulf War . . .
jeremylee wrote on 09/28/08 at 9:00 am :

ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ON THE LOOSE AT MCDONALDS

Recently I made a valid complaint to McDonalds customer services dept. about McDonalds poor standards at thier Harben Parade branch at Swiss Cottage, London NW3. The complaint concerned slow service, abrasive attitudes, and matters about unacceptable hygeine standards.

The complaint was passed on to the store by customer services, following which the store’s manager, Bakry, promptly banned me from the store. He did not deny that my complaint was valid, but was told that I was banned simply becauseI I had made the complaint in the first place. Their management team consists entirely of immigrants, having come here on dodgy visas and the like, and all of which in favour of my ban, which shows how much we are now under the control of illegal immigrants.

Perhaps this is consistent with McDonalds training practices. It would appear that you have to accept their adverse practices without question or suffer the consequences, as I myself did.
Panda wrote on 09/30/08 at 2:32 am :

I’ve been a hostess at moderately upscale restaurant for almost 2 years now and it still kills me when our “guests” are picky about seating arrangements – I mean down to the point where they look at the table I’m about to seat them at with pure disgust as if a dead rat was spralled across said table. What is the big deal with sitting at this booth versus that booth?? Does the food taste magically more delicious at your chosen holy booth? There will be at least three open tables that guests could sit at immediately and they will still insist on waiting 20 minutes or more to sit at one designated table, and then have the nerve to get angry with YOU for the wait. WHAT THE HELL? Like The Waiter says, SIT THE FUCK DOWN!
TREM wrote on 11/2/08 at 8:53 am :

And how come the ones who want the best tables are always bad tippers?????…like the table makes the dining experience
Dacatus wrote on 11/18/08 at 6:23 pm :

People who demand ‘the best table’ are entitled assholes.

Entitled assholes are bad tippers, picky eaters and overall a huge pain in the ass.
Mike C wrote on 12/29/08 at 5:34 pm :

Your book did not mention single diners, one-tops? As a business traveller I often eat alone. I am faced with a choice between eating at the bar or eating at the worst table, either next to the bus station or near the bathrooms. I usually choose another restaurant. I understand that better tables are reserved for parties of two or more, but why are single diners treated with such contempt at many fine restaurants?
kim wrote on 01/2/09 at 10:58 pm :

IRT #15. Try getting a seat anywhere besides next to the bus station or bathroom, even with a reservation, if two women are trying to have dinner. Why is that?
Career Server wrote on 02/3/09 at 3:11 pm :

I just love when those same enitled table pickers come in on a busy saturday night and have no choice but to sit at the worst table in the restaurant, the one right by the pass out line where the can hear servers say classy things like, “Who’s the son-of-a-cock-sucker who left an empty glass rack!”
Exhausted Server wrote on 02/4/09 at 8:34 pm :

I was working this saturday and at the 8pm seating, I had a 2-top sat in my 5-top booth. upon my greeting, the man had the nerve to ask if the could hace a “booth-for-2″. Dumbstruck why you would ask to move on a saturday night at the peak of the rush, I replied, “Sir, this is the only booth curently available. To be quite honest, you’re lucky to have been sat as quickly as you were. now…what may I bring you to drink?” Calmly putting my guests in their place is something I consider a specialty, but I am still always surprised!
Manda wrote on 03/11/09 at 11:37 pm :

I’ve been working at my parents’ restaurant since I was 12. And since then I’ve always had people that bypass clean tables to sit at dirty ones. I could be incredibly busy, the busboy is already cleaning off one table and is close to done, but they want the dirty table we haven’t gotten to yet. One time, I was feeling adventurous and said: Oh, you don’t have to wait for that table, this one here is ready for you. And got a lovely: Oh no, it’s okay. We’ll wait. I almost freaked. Apparently the table a little further away from the grill was RIDICULOUSLY better. Seriously, our little greasy spoon gets folks like this too, it’s not just the high-rollers.
Ross Galbraith wrote on 03/16/09 at 3:07 pm :

I have worked a satarday night where an unexperianced hostess happily obliged in changing peoples tables, when it hit 9 o clock our lounge was full of people who were waiting for tables they had booked because of idiot customers.

be happy where you are seated, or request the table you like well in advance.

We had a sweet elderly couple come in every week, their spend wasn’t huge, starters, mains and a bottle of moderatley priced wine, but they ALWAYS tipped well, they were the kind of customers that knew if their food was taking a while we were busy, and didnt mind! they kicked ass, and can have any damn table they like in my opinion!
Panda wrote on 06/11/09 at 12:03 am :

I know your pain, how a table full of dirty dishes and water glops is more appealing than a perfectly set one is beyond me. Oh and don’t you just love the four-tops who snap, “um, we’re four!” at you when you seat them at a six-top table, as if you’re a fucking idiot for putting them at a larger table. Well.. I left four roll-ups and four menus and walked four people to the table, OH! MY BAD! I didn’t REALIZE you were a party of FOUR, thank you so much for bringing that to my attention, now was that your way of asking for a smaller table? So sorry for thinking you would appreciate the extra room. And on the same note, what is with the two-tops who insist on sitting (CAMPING) at large-top tables when the average large party wait is an hour! And to all the large parties who don’t want to wait, NO you CAN’T add a chair to a smaller table, and NO you CAN’T push tables together, and NO you CAN’T ask the current party to leave, and NO you CAN’T get me to either, and you should have thought about your 90 year old diabetic grandmother’s birthday arrangements ahead of time, you could have at least brought some saltine crackers and magazine for the woman!
TheBusBoy wrote on 07/25/09 at 3:52 am :

I’m starting at the beginning and working forward like I’ve meant to do for so long. I must say I LOVE what you said about not moving the tables. I may just be the bus boy but I’m so blasted tired of having to shift a table back to where it was because someone wanted to set their baby carrier in the seats or they felt like it was too close. What I hate the most are the parents who let their kids take the provided crayons and rather than draw on the provided piece of paper draw all over our tables. I spent a good half hour with a bottle of degreaser, sanitizer, and a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to get it off. The worst part, is the parents drew on the table too. I have pictures.
Krys wrote on 08/10/09 at 5:02 pm :

First off just finished your book, what a joy. We even joke at our little restaurant that we need to teach a class at the community center in restaurant etiquette. So many things come to mind after reading just a few of your blogs. 1.) Kim – as to why two women having dinner always seem to get a crappy table. The top 10 longest squatters at our restaurants (on a busy Fri or Sat evening) all held by women. After cashing out (and I don’t care if you haven’t seen each other in 30yrs.) Leave the table, go directly to the bar, go sit in your car. Do not ruin my evening for sitting at my table that holds 4 for five and a half hours. You want more water, dream the fuck on.
We have an older couple who comes in to our restaurant, very wealthy. They generally sit at the worst table. We have two side rails that face our food line. They get a birds eye view of our methods, our rants, and they keep us on our toes. They love it, we love them too. Not exceptional tippers, but good people, who really enjoy watching us work our butts off to please them. They are a joy to wait on, and completely understand the word “busy”.
Last rant, I swear…moving tables. Our restaurant happens to have an outdoor seating area (covered and uncovered). During the summer months (and it doesn’t last long in this godforsaken state) the most common words are “Can we sit outside?” then immediately followed up with “Can we sit in the shade?” Lady it is cloudy here 85% of the time enjoy the sun. If you are fair skinned, then sit inside! Do not move the umbrellas a.) they are heavy and you will throw your back out and then you will sue us b.) do not move the tables! See above.
I do love my job. People I don’t.
Ruby2sday wrote on 09/11/09 at 6:24 pm :

A fellow server refered your site to me and I must say, I am quite taken! I have been in the food industry for the better part of six years. for two and a half years I hosted at an upscale place in north Houston and had the pleasure of observing upper-middle class snobbery at it’s best. I learned that the best way to manipulate a table into my carefully arranged seating rotation was to smile big and talk fast.

“Hello, welcome to ________! And how are you today? My that is a lovely purse you have. Where did you find it? Have you heard are specials for the day?”

My incessant prattle would usually take people off guard and I had a 90% sucess rate with placeing people where I expected them to go. Only the truely nasty would interrupt my chatter to request a different table.
Blair wrote on 09/22/09 at 2:35 am :

Women at lunch time are the worst. They alwaaaaaays have to split the check, and god forbid any of them pay one fucking dollar more than their meal cost. I love when there is 8 of them, they ask you to split the checks, then complain that the check is taking so long!
leithold wrote on 10/26/09 at 10:34 am :

ive been comparing your earliest posts and your most recent post and i must say your writing has matured through the years. everything is still worth reading though. a lot better than what you usually find in the internet.

On to the next post!
Mother Bear wrote on 12/3/09 at 1:40 pm :

I recently found this website and I LOVE IT! Makes me feels better about my serving experiences. I worked as a hostess, manager, cook, and server at a college town pizza place and the people there never seemed to amaze me. There was a fireplace in the back and on the coldest nights, people would ask to sit there and when I would nicely refuse them the tables, they would become PISSED! People, there is a rotation for servers. The common sense or the courtesy for the working people just kills me! So many people have lost their mannors.
Diner Diane wrote on 03/1/10 at 12:48 am :

How about instead of Sit down and shut the fuck up, you “serve the fuck up”? Seriously, you are in the SERVICE industry! Business are shuttering their doors at rates never heard of before, and 95% of all restaurants won’t survive 5 years…you have a customer who wants to sit in a particular seat, and you have that seat open, fucking let them–you sanctimonious piece of shit. I worked in the restaurant industry for 20 years and I never got ticked off at a customer for requesting a particular table. I was just thrilled they were coming in to spend money. Yes, I’ve been stiffed by jerks, but that was rare. More often I received 30%, mostly because (I can only surmise) I hustled and provided excellent service without attitude. (Try it, you’ll find your income goes up dramatically.) Today, when I go out to restaurants I find there are 2 kinds of staff…ones who “get it” and provide top notch service (regardless if the establishment is high-end or quick service) and those that don’t get it…the guy who wrote this blog and all the douche-tards who wrote into support him fall into the latter.
Customer Carly wrote on 03/1/10 at 1:04 am :

I totally agree with Diane. Service people who can’t provide good service should be terminated and replaced immediately. If you don’t love coming into work every shift and love your customers, get a different job. (Like the post-office.)
a girl named sue wrote on 03/5/10 at 3:26 am :

I am a server and hostess, I agree with the sit down and shut up policy, its my job to seat guests, maintain the flow on the floor and on a busy night its hard on servers to be double-, triple sat, if you want a certain table or area, booth, window, fireplace, etc. make a reservation. If you are unable to make a reservation to request such consideration, don’t get upset when you have to wait longer for said table. It’s our job to make your dinner as enjoyable as possible, but I am no magician.
Borderline wrote on 03/24/10 at 10:10 am :

RE: 28 and 29 – 28 your name says it all. Mrs. Diner, do you not get the idea of being fair to other servers. Thats the point. Rotation of sections allows the servers to earn about the same amount of money so there is no soarness between the crew. Usually sections are made with the same amount of seats so everything is fair. The host even keeps track of the amount of people seated in each station so every server is treated the same. Some sections are always going to be better than others due to location (by a window,ect.), therefore the need for rotation. You seem like a know it all bitch who certainly does not get it. I think the writer is simply trying to educate the public on what it is like to woork in the restaurant industry. I am confident that he provides excellent service and treats his staff and guests with top-notch respect. You on the other hand sound like the type that thinks your perfect and everyone else has a problem. I don’t beleive for a second that you don’t love all the guests you wait on and nothing they do drive you crazy. You are a bitch to work with and probably think your better than all the servers you work with. So in short – fuck you and your shitty comment. In fact I think I detect some jealousy, maybe you failed at what this author succeeded in.
dinerjohn wrote on 04/4/10 at 8:50 am :

Diner Diane (#28) and Carly (#29) are way off base. They forget that a restaurant is private property and that when you are a customer in the restaurant you have to follow the restaurant’s rules. That includes: behaving yourself; being courteous to all employees of the restaurant; controlling snotty, spoiled brats; following the staff’s instructions (including where to sit)and tipping what the restaurant feels is appropriate. It’s true that you’re a customer and paying your money but it’s still private property and you have to follow the rules. If you don’t want to follow the rules the solution is simple: eat somewhere else. Sorry if that gets your nose out of joint but that’s how it is.

Here’s a non-restaurant anology I’d like to make: I like to park underground in a certain building near my office. Due to security concerns, the security guards sometimes ask people (including me) to open the trunk of their car in order to take a look inside before letting them proceed to the parking area. Some people will exclaim “That’s unreasonable! It’s an invasion of privacy! How could you let them do this?” Maybe it is unreasonable, but the parking garage is private property and since I really want to park there, I let them look in my trunk when they ask. If I don’t want them to look in my trunk I’m free to find somewhere else to park.
Myuki wrote on 07/8/10 at 1:14 pm :

Wrt (#32): “That includes: behaving yourself; being courteous to all employees of the restaurant; controlling snotty, spoiled brats; following the staff’s instructions (including where to sit)and tipping what the restaurant feels is appropriate.”

I agree with you except on the last one. I don’t agree with a specified tip. Tips are for people who do an amazing job. You want a tip? EARN IT. You get paid to do your job. It is NOT the consumer’s fault you get paid so badly. I believe those a**holes you get is karma telling you to be nice to people, or otherwise, it helps you develop patience and tolerance.

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