Deluxe

“So how you doing Chimo?” I ask during a lull in service.

“I’m great, dude,” my Mexican-American comrade replies. “I got a deluxe blowjob last night.”

“A deluxe blowjob?” I ask. “What’s that?”

“Dude,” Chimo says, looking at me dumbfounded, “You don’t know what a deluxe blowjob is?”

“It comes with fries?” I ask.

“What?”

“When you get a cheeseburger deluxe at the diner it comes with fries.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Sometimes you also get coleslaw,” I say. Behind me, I hear Jimmy, one of the busboys, cracking up.

“Ha!” Chimo says in the teasing sing song voice of a grade-schooler who knows the meaning of a sexual term before his playmates do. “You don’t know what a deluxe blowjob is.”

I’m going to be forty in a few weeks. I was getting hummers while Chimo still was crapping in his pants. I seriously doubt he knows something about oral sex that I don’t. But to humor him, I ask. “Okay, explain it.”

Chimo gives me his descriptive explanation. I won’t get into it here. Suffice to say it’s sophomoric – and sort of disgusting.

“Thanks,” I said. “Now I’m in the know.”

“I’m telling ya, bro. Deluxe.”

“You still having sex at two hours at a clip?” I ask.

“You know it,” Chimo replies.

We’re silent for a moment.

“Chimo,” I ask. “Do you believe everything that comes out of your mouth?”

Chupa mi verga,” Chimo replies loudly. I have to admit, the guy’s got a one track mind.

“Lower your voice” I whisper. “What happens if a customer heard you?”

“The gringos here would think ‘chupa mi verga’s’ the pasta special,” Chimo says.

“That’d be funny,” I admit.

“And the dipshits would probably ask for it in a Fra Diavolo Sauce.”

“I wouldn’t put it past them.”

“Of course it’d be perfect with an Alfredo Sauce.”

“Chimo,” I say sternly. “Don’t go there.”


Comments

Deluxe — 6 Comments

  1. Okay Waiter. I gotta know what DELUXE is. I’ve gotten some awesome BJs but I *need* to know if I’ve gotten the best. So I can die fulfilled.

    It’s a man thing.

  2. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Today’s soup is Crema de Cabron. We’re offering an excellent Pinche de Puta appetizer and our featured entree is Chinga su Madre con salsa de Perra. Oh lord how I burned to try that for real some days.

  3. I don’t know if you get notifications for comments, so I don’t know if you’ll ever read my comment. But I just want you to know, Waiter, that I googled “deluxe blowjob,” and clicked on the urban dictionary link. My curiosity was sated, and the example they used put a smile on my face.

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=deluxe%20blowjob

    I read your book when it first came out (I was all of 16 at the time, I think), and I’ve just recently started reading your blog (starting at the end and working my way up), so while I know you get famous from your book, I forget that while reading. So I was immensely pleased they used your writing for their definition. Because once you get quoted on Urban Dictionary, you’re obviously a celebrity.

    xoxo Bug

  4. Deluxe BJ.. thats something. this post doesnt have that much of a response.. got me thinking maybe most of the readers are underage or uptight adults

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