Guest Waiter – Ten Amazingly Ignorant Customer Quotes!

This submission came from Tim – a guy who bussed, hosted, and waited tables at the Jersey Shore. All the chafing from the sand in his shorts must have sent him over the edge! Thanks for sharing Tim!

Ten Amazingly Ignorant Customer Quotes

While most restaurant patrons are a pleasure to serve, encounters with rude customers are always inevitable. Fortunately, most experienced waiters can quickly brush off and forget such unpleasant episodes without too much trouble. However, every so often, a customer will say something so unbelievably ignorant that the sheer audacity of it boggles the mind. These sayings are not forgotten. Rather, they are retained in long-term memory, to be reflected upon and shared with co-workers, family and friends for days, weeks, and even years to come. The following are my personal favorites:

1.) “This place should have been child-proofed.”

- A mother who didn’t want to take responsibility for the fact that they allowed their child to run wild and brake an antique decoration.

No, your parenting should have been idiot-proofed. This woman just stood there and watched her child run around like a lunatic, treating the dining room as his personal playground. Even after her waitress asked her to get her child to calm down, she did nothing. Then when the child breaks something, she has the nerve to try and say that it is the restaurant’s own fault. How about stop being a lazy bitch and teach your child how to behave in public.

2.) “When it says ‘China’ on your paycheck, it’s not a vacation.”

- A customer with a highly inflated sense of cleverness after I accidentally dropped a glass and it broke on the floor.

Most waiters feel bad enough on the rare occasions that they drop and break something. They don’t need some piss-poor dining room comedian drawing additional attention to it.

Furthermore, this particular joke is just awful on multiple levels. Not only must you be a dick to find humor in the prospect of a waiter’s meager paycheck being deducted, but since when is China considered a highly desirable vacation spot? Both the setup and punchline are abysmal.

3.) “Sorry about the mess, ha ha ha.”

- A parent who acted as if the massive pile of crumbs and debris on the floor was the unexpected result of giving her toddler a bag of Cheerios to eat/play with, then laughed about it.

Fuck you, you’re not sorry. Don’t patronize me.

4.) “I KNOW it’s a pain, but we’ll be needing separate checks.”

- A table of lazy assholes who have betrayed the industry they used to work in.

It takes a real douche to be fully aware of how much of a pain-in-the-ass separate checks are and how they can slow down service for everyone, yet still request them anyway. Restaurants are not designed to give out checks to every individual who walks through the door.

5.) “I’m warning you now, if we don’t like the food, we’re sending it back.”

- A miserable, middle-aged woman with an excess of sand in her vagina

Oh boy, I’m really quivering in my boots now! I’ll just run right back into the kitchen and beg the chefs to magically make your food extra good. More realistically, I’ll ignore your unjustified threat and go back to taking care of my nicer and less hostile customers.

6.) “Can you make it quick? We have a bus to catch in 45 minutes.”

- Person who makes others suffer for his lack of time management skills

Can I make it fast? Sure! Order only a salad or maybe a soup to go and it will be out in a jiffy. But of course not, you want a full meal and now it’s my fault you’re running late. To answer your question: No, I can’t make it quick. You will have to wait just as long as everyone else. Take the risk or get out.

7.) “Only the kids get free ice cream? We should ALL get free ice cream!”

- A conniving mother

My god, some people have absolutely no shame! One day, the chef was kind enough to offer the children at my table free ice cream for dessert and one of the parents complained that it should have been offered to everyone. As painful as it was to watch the chef cave in to this complaint, witnessing his profanity tirade afterward made it worthwhile.

8.) “These sandwiches are too large! People need to be told how big these sandwiches are!”

- A woman who apparently did not want to be fed

Yes, a woman actually complained that we had given her too much food! Even the common sense concept of taking home what you cannot finish and getting another meal out of it was unacceptable.

From that day forward, I always made sure to give this warning to my customers: “Beware sir or madam, our sandwiches are very big and filling, potentially giving you with too much value for your money.”

No one has ever heeded this warning.

9.) “Just remember, we’re from New York, the greatest city in the world!”

- A tourist who expected me to be impressed that his permanent address was in New York City and give him special treatment.

Yes, it can happen, a real-life display of stereotypical New York arrogance. Thank God the mighty New Yorkers are here to enlighten us idiotic small town folk.

The real victims here are the vast majority of New Yorkers who are decent people, but will continue to suffer under the arrogant New Yorker stereotype that is kept alive by a small minority. In case anyone reading this fits into that small minority, let me make this very clear to you: NO ONE CARES THAT YOU ARE FROM NEW YORK!!!

10.) “Oh, these people act like they’ve never heard a child cry before.”

- A mother to her husband in the midst of their baby’s hellish shrieks bothering everyone in the restaurant, causing them to receive stares from about five-dozen eyeballs.

To me, this is the holy grail of ignorance. There was no need for this mother to remove her child from the room until he calmed down, or better yet, not bring an infant to a restaurant at all. The blame was clearly on everyone else for not realizing that the universe revolves around her child. Shame on all of them for expecting a peaceful and relaxing meal. I’ll must give her credit thought, she said this loud enough for most of the dining room to hear and no one stood up to her.

In closing, the lesson here is to please never, ever be like one of these ten people. For those who can honestly say they are not like this, you have my permission to feel superior about yourself.

The author can be contacted at tl@goldenliterature.com


Comments

Guest Waiter – Ten Amazingly Ignorant Customer Quotes! — 19 Comments

  1. I wish restaurantss had a special sound proof section for people with loud screaming BRATS. Screaming kids ruin meals, airline flights and movies! there ought to be a law!

  2. Jesus, screaming children ANYWHERE should be…ugh. I’m not saying children should be banned from public spaces, they have a right to it as I do (unless it’s an R-rated movie or something adults only like a strip joint or casino, no child should be exposed to something like that, let a kid be a kid) but the problem is Bad/Poor Parenting. There ARE parents out there who pamper their children and then when they decide the pampering’s done with, they deal with their screaming child yelling for candy, toys, or whatnot. Don’t spoil your kids. Don’t take them out if you know they are ill-behaved, and don’t take them to a place where the child will get bored easily and want to leave because there’s nothing to do or see but watch your fat ass shovel down two steaks. Get the hell out.

  3. I don’t think parents should always leave their kids at home…I think they should just learn to discipline them…I have eight younger siblings and they are very well mannered in public (at home it can be quite a different story) because they know there will be consequences for acting inappropriately in public.

  4. Is it really that difficult to provide separate checks, even if the waiter is informed beforehand? Pardon my ignorance, as I have never been in the waiter’s shoes. Does it depend on the party size? I mean, if 3 of my friends and I go out to eat, it is somewhat unreasonable to heap the bill on one person, particularly in a world where paying each other back usually requires a trip to the ATM or bank (no one I know carries cash).

  5. Shame on the inattentive parents in your list. However, IME, there is a really low tolerance in the US for kids being kids anywhere. When I’ve traveled with my two kids under 5 I’ve noticed that they are treated with a lot more respect outside of North America. I barely even go to restaurants for lunch with them here, but in Central America and Europe it doesn’t seem to be so much of a problem.

  6. 11) (Why you should never have the kitchen white board in view of the guests) a customer once snapped at me, “Why did you tell me you were out of Merlot when it says right there you have 86 of them!?!”

  7. Oh number 6 – how I loathe thee! I used to work at a golf course where the golfers would come in 4 minutes before their tee time and expect to get their food before they set out. Or worse, they would expect that we could leave the restaurant and go out to deliver it to them after they had teed off. Bastards! Also, being in a hurry and ordering a well done steak is another pet peeve.

  8. Unfortunately, Marc, separate checks are ALWAYS a pain in the ass. It doesn’t matter if you tell the waiter ahead of time. Two words: Bring Cash. Always, always, always, ALWAYS bring cash to a group dinner. Period.

    Plus, people who ask for separate checks usually let the tip get lost in translation.

  9. Went to a TGI Friday’s once where this family had about three toddlers and two older kids (who were about 7 or 8), and were seated within striking distance.

    Each one of them cried and whined the entire meal…some pieces of food actually ended up on our table.

    I wanted to smack the parents.

  10. Ok, yes some parents act like complete pricks and don’t discipline their kids, but it’s not cool for Caro and Kathy (posting above) to resent kids being in public at all. I just took 4 long-haul flights, totalling over 40 hours in the last few weeks, and there were babies on each flight. Yes, they cried. Yes, it was annoying. But all I had to do was put my headphones on and ignore it. The poor parents had to walk around with their baby who was crying in pain from pressure in the ears. Some situations are unavoidable and heaping blame on tired parents is just uncool in the extreme.

  11. I agree that you should not take a child to a restaurant or movie theater unless they can behave. If possible, you should take them outside if they do misbehave (preferably on a chilly day so they get the message). A plane is different because it cannot always be avoided, although I think that parents should certainly try to avoid flying with small children. However, people without children should understand that even well-parented children can whine and make a scene. A good parent can usually stop the whining quickly and prevent it from happening too often.

    PS. Thea, there are ear plugs that prevent babies from having painful ears. Google EarPlanes. Taking these kind of precautions is part of being a considerate parent.

  12. Oh yes. Annoying parents who let the kids scream and run around.. YES I am going to walk into them and knock them over.. I am busy.. your child needs to be STRAPPED into a seat.

    OH AND HOW I HATE the separate check morons. Its annoying and if you are too stupid to figure out what you owe (Or scared you might have to pay an extra penny) I dont want to wait on you.

  13. Wow. You are a hard ass. Good for you, speaking your mind- although maybe you should look through the customer’s point of view…? I mean, some of those Yuppies were real jerks, but still…

  14. I waited tables in Ocean City New JErsey…my favorite dumb customer moment was when someone asked me where they could buy liquor (it’s a dry island)…I told him there were liquor stores right across both bridges off the island. His response…”wait. this is an island?”
    no hist sherlock. You crossed the bridge to get here.

  15. I loathe separate checks. Please, don’t come to my restaurant with 15 people ordering off the early bird menu and demanding separate checks. What if I came to Walmart and demanded every single item be rang up separately while there are 20 decent human beings standing behind me waiting for you to do your job!
    On a side note. I hate people who say “get a real job” lets see. I work 30 hours a week. I make between six and seven hundred dollars a week. I work in air conditioning in the summer and heat in the winter. There are always pretty girls I work with as well as the guests. I think I will keep my fake job!

    • Sooo, I have been a server for 20 plus years now (I’m 40) And still at the end of the day,cause, lets get real,,, its $$$$, you get a job in a solid rest. We’re solid. I have compaired it to a gambling addiction at points because the $ is good but its also intoxicating to see what can I walk out with tonight!!! Instant gratifaction much??? And sorry but please with the “pos” systems we allll work with these days if your a good server how hard is it to seperate a bill!?!? And by doing so my tips have been better by far,,, just saying.

  16. YOU SERVERS ARE LYING!
    seperate checks are very challenging if you use hand written checks as opposed to computers, that is true.
    if the party is over 15 people or so it can take a couple of minutes even on the computer. But your average 4 to 8 people table? it is as simple as can be. as a server you should be able to remember what 10 people have to eat and drink from memory! and I have worked in fine dining and turn and burn

  17. Seperate checks are a pain but not a big deal as some are saying. Atleast not where I served at. As long as the people told me in advance it wasn’t a big deal. Sure if took me a second longer to print it out. Now what I found to be a pain w/ seperate checks is when everyone at the table pays w/ $20 bills. I hate having to give each person not only the bills but the change as well.

  18. We had about 10 minutes before arriving atthe OKC airport when i got a pounding headache on my right side, it felt hot and Ithought my eye was going to explode. The change in pressure as the plane got lower really hurt my sinus for the next 2 days and dont get me started on my ears…imagine if it that was a child???How can u not be compassionate Their only way to communicate pain or being uncomfortable, frightned is to cry!!! It is very hard to comfort a baby when the space available is only 1 foot. People here criticizing babies sound like the ones that eventually end up raisin brats or in jail for child abuse.

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