When customers ask me, “What else do you do?” they’re operating from the usually correct assumption that waiters are always working on another gig; singing, writing, acting, modeling, etc. However, some of us are really waiters. This is our profession. I could say I’m a writer or blogger but until 50.1% of my income comes from these sources – I’m a waiter.
Most of the time, people ask me if I have another job to make conversation. Occasionally you get the patronizing asshole who only asks the question to make you feel bad. I like to tell these lovely people I’m one of the following……
Illegal human tissue harvester
Crematorium repairman
Porn Theater Custodian
Bovine Inseminator
Truck stop serial killer (Apprentice)
Avian Flu Emergency Response Team Poultry Culler
Pimp
Human Hair Doll Craftsman
Colonic Irrigation Technician
Coke Dealer
Eskimo Pie Fetish Website Operator
Embalming technician
Snuff Film Editor
Part Time Professional Assassin
Furry Wrangler
Cartoonist for the Al Qaeda Daily News
Human Remains Exhumation Coordinator
International Art Thief (A French waiter was the most successful art thief in history.)�
Gun Store Stockboy
Alternate Identity Procurement Specialist
Discarded Bubble Gum Sculptor
Stunt Cock
Politician
These responses usually slam snobby yuppies into stunned, uncomfortable, looking for the exits silence. Can you think of any others? Help me out. Thanks.
Eq
sorry, I burped. I was trying to say, “Equine Sheath Cleaner”
Watch Dirty Jobs on Discovery Channel. That will give you some ideas… like Shark Suit Tester, Chicken Sexer, and Fainting Goat Farmer (and yes these are real jobs)
I worked at a place where they required that I clean a horse’s sheath. I politely refused. The owner didn’t mind, she got some weird pleasure out of it, said that the horses loved it and it made them happy. Boy, I guess it did, but never stuck around to find out.
Say that you don’t have another job because it’s hard to schedule one around your Hansen’s treatments.
The best ones are subtle; very odd and potentially disturbing, but just real enough to make people nervous about questioning them or discussing it further (an added bonus is anything hygienically threatening). Like embalmer, sperm bank employee (no, I didn’t say donor) or, as you mentioned, the colonic irrigation professional.
And if they’re real jerks you can always make sure that your thumb or fingers hover dangerously close to the liquid in their glasses or the food on their plates without ever actually making contact.
Oh, man. Near the end of my bartending career, I went back to school to get my bachelors degree. Customers would always ask me “What are you, an actress?” And I would say, “No, I’m a student.”
“What are you studying?”
“Medieval history.” (This had the advantage–and disadvantage–of being the truth.)
This would get one of three responses:
1) “Oh, you must love that place, Medieval Times!”
2) “Oh, I’ve always loved King Arthur!”
3) derisive laughter followed by “Great; you’ll end up working back here.”
People suck.
Bovine Inseminator (complete with shoulder to fingertip glove)
Tony Hawk’s Stunt Double
Rosie O’Donnell’s Stunt Double
Cat Herder
Presidental Candidate
Pet Psychic
Santa’s Main Elf
I’m a de-hymenator.
underwater fireman!
Apologetic psychotherapist
I used to get that question a lot. I told people that I was a caregiver for a patient with early on-set Alzheimer’s. When they would comment on how difficult that must be, I would tell them “Yes, but some days she remembers that I’m her daughter and that’s really rather nice.”
Sympathy tips were great.
a nursing home bedpan technician!
Professional Doppelganger
That’ll confuse ’em…