“And you sir,” I say, turning to the last customer on my four top, “What will you have this evening?”

“I’ll have the Fellatio please,” the man says with a smirk.

I glance up from my pad. This guy better be talking about the Filetto di manzo all’alpina – a filet mignon with porcini mushrooms.

“How would you like your filet mignon cooked sir?” I reply, acting like customers ask me for blowjobs everyday.

“Uh, maybe I don’t want that dish after all,” the man says smiling.

I am not in the mood for this shit. I woke up with a sore back and a serious lack of motivation. The last thing I need is some middle aged perv off his medication.

“What would you like instead?” I say, dreading the answer.

“Well,” the man says, his manic side revving up, “I think I might like……..”

“Oh for Christ sakes Marv,” the man’s wife interjects, “Stop fucking around.”

“Yeah Marv,” I say. “Stop screwing around.”

The man looks at me in shock. I counter with the thousand yard waiter stare. I win.

“I’ll have the Veal Chop,” the man says, meekly handing me his menu.

“Good,” I reply, “Because I sure as hell wasn’t gonna give you the other thing.”

“Good for you Waiter!” the man’s wife crows, “Feel free to smack him with the menu.”

“Thank you madam,” I reply, walking away from the table. “Maybe later.”

I head towards the back and key in the four top’s order. Marv somehow manages to keep his bi-polar disorder under wraps for the rest of the night. The two couples actually turn out to be nice people with a good sense of humor. When they finish their entrees I bring the dessert menu.

“Some desserts tonight?” I ask.

“No,” Marv’s wife replies, “Our friends want us to go to their house.”

“Very well madam.”

“I think they want to wife swap or something,” she says.

“Dessert is dessert madam,” I reply. Now I understand why Marv married her.

“It is indeed,” the woman says winking.

The four top pays their bill, tip me 20%, and leave to do God knows what. As I watch them go I shake my head.

You can’t make this stuff up. You just can’t.