WARNING! If you’re squeamish, skip this post!
It’s a slow shift and I’m kibitzing in the back with the other servers. It looks like it’s gonna be a dead night.
“So did you see that story about Craigslist on the news last night?” Ryan, one of our new hires asks.
“I did, I reply.”
“What did you think?”
“Say what you want, but I love Craigslist. That’s how I found my roommate.”
“Is your roommate a nut?” Ryan asks, “I heard a lot of the people who use that site are crazy.”
“No. I really lucked out. He’s a great roommate.”
“You are lucky.”Ryan says.
“I did encounter some crazies though. One woman offered me sex in lieu of rent.”
Ryan laughs. “Why didn’t you take her up on it?”
“Never confuse sex and rent,” I reply. “Leads to all sorts of problems.”
“I’ll take your word for it.”
“There are a lot of kooks on Craigslist,” I admit.
“Yeah,” Ryan says, “Look at the adult section.”
“Something for everybody,” I snort.
“The show talked about people using Craigslist to find dates with pre-operative transsexual escorts,”Ryan says, “Until I that moment I never knew there was such a thing.”
“That’s a rather specialized niche,” I reply, “Just how many preop transsexuals could there be?”
“And hard to find.”
“Well,” I grumble, “You know what Freud said.”
“The only unnatural sexual behavior is none at all.”
“True,” Louis, who’s been listening in on the conversation chimes in. “Tell him about the Furries!”
“Furries? Ryan asks, looking perplexed.
I tell him all about the Furries. Basically they’re people who like to dress up in plush velour mascot outfits and get it on.
“Yuk,” Ryan says, making a face.
“Well,” I chuckle, “Aren’t we’re being a tad judgmental today?”
“Yeah,”Ryan says, “Something’s are just a little too much.”
“The Furries are tame compared to other people,” I say.
“I saw a website where people discuss amputating perfectly good limbs and reattaching them to other parts of their body,” I say, “Places where an arm or leg shouldn’t be.”
“I’ve heard of that,” Ryan says.
I don’t know what’s more frightening. That I know about the site or that Ryan does.
“Sometimes they just lop off an arm or a leg because they think it makes them look better,” I say.
“That’s one way to lose weight,” Louis quips.
“Man,” I laugh, “I don’t think they’ll be advertising that on Weight Watchers. ”
“Didn’t SNL do a skit on that?” Ryan asks. “How did we even get on this topic?” I reply.
“Something about preop tranny escorts and Craigslist,” Louis says.
“Thanks, I forgot. ”
“We better stop this conversation before the customers come in,” Ryan says.
“They’d never stop throwing up if they heard what were talking about,” I reply.
“I just love thinking about sexual reassignment surgery when I’m eating don’t you?” Louis says sarcastically.
“It’s just like splitting a banana Louis,” I say dryly.
Louis grabs his crotch as if in pain. “Ouch man! Why did you have to go and say that?”
“Cause I’m evil?”
The door chimes. Our first customers finally arrive. Good. We’ve had way too much time on our hands. And an idle mind is the devil’s playground.
Later, towards the end of the night, Louis comes up to me.
“Dude, check out table 8,” he whispers.
“What’s the matter?” I reply.
A couple is sitting at table eight. The man’s face has that artificial look that comes from too many facelifts. The odd thing’s that the guy’s younger than me.
“Well the guy’s had some work done,” I whisper back.
“Not the guy,”Louis says, “Look at the girl.”
I look at the woman. I get the strange sensation that I don’t understand what I’m seeing.
“She’s a he,” Louis declares.
“Really?” I say, trying not to stare.
“Look at the Adam’s apple!” Louis says, Look at her hands!”
“Those are mighty big hands,”"I admit.
“I’ll bet she’s a preop transsexual,” Louis says.
“You might be right,” I reply, “She could be practicing before they do the surgery.”
“They have to spend a year as a woman before they’ll do the banana split, right?” Louis asks.
Now it’s my turn to wince in pain. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Weren’t we talking about this stuff earlier?” Louis says.
“What are the odds a pre-op would eat here tonight?”
“That’s just too fucking weird,” Louis says.
I look at the woman again and say a silent prayer for her. No matter what you think about her choices – she’s going down a very tough road.
“Stay here long enough Louis,” I sigh, “And the entire world will come through the front door.”
“You gonna write this up on your blog?” Louis asks.
“Maybe,” I reply.
The couple in question finishes their dinner and gets up to leave. I position myself by the front door to wish them a pleasant evening. It’s something I do with all my customers.
“Good night sir,”I say, “And thanks for dining with us this evening.”
“Good night, “the man replies in a squeaky voice.
“And good night Madam. I hope you enjoyed everything.”
“THANKS. EVERYTHING WAS WONDERFUL,”a basso profundo voice replies.
“Please come again,” I say smiling.
I watch the couple as they walk down the street. Yeah, I’ll be writing this one up.