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Bonus Post! – Tips for New Year’s Eve

December 31st, 2005 by Waiter

This one’s for you Lou!

1. Have a designated driver or call a cab. Spending New Year’s Day in jail (or the morgue) is not a good idea.

2. Leave the drugs at home.

3. Leave the kids at home.

4. If you must bring the kids, bring the drugs. Give ‘em to the waitstaff! They’ll need it.

5. Ladies! No coked up recreational lesbianism in the bathroom. (Unless I get to watch.)

6. Actually, no quickies of any kind in the coat room, parking lot, under the table, on the table, or in the restrooms. Somebody has to clean up after you! Get a room.

7. If you’re attending an early seating, please remember other people are coming in after you. Don’t dawdle.

8. Ladies, feel free to kiss me at the stroke of midnight.

9. Guys, don’t kiss me.

10. Sing “Auld Lang Syne” all you want. When you’re drunk your voice always sounds better.

11. Guys, the waitress is being nice to you because it’s her job. She’ll toss your number in the toilet the moment you leave.

12. Getting upset because another year’s gone by and you’re still not married does not constitute a psychiatric emergency. (Unless you’re Jewish, then God help you.)

13. Popping the cork is so passé.

14. Haggle with the hooker BEFORE you come to the restaurant.

15. Ladies, if you feel funny wearing that dress, you shouldn’t be wearing it.

16. Yes, it’s gonna be an expensive evening. If you don’t feel like spending money stay home!

17. Tip heavy. I’ll be nicer to you in 2006.

18. Waiters! You’re probably gonna pool your tips. Make sure the “lazy ass” waiter on your staff (there’s always one) pulls their weight!

19. Tell ten people about Waiter Rant!

20. Vomiting at the table isn’t cute.

21. Watch your language. Being boisterous in public is fine. Being crude is not.

22. If you don’t have a reservation – you’re fucked. Might I suggest Château Blanc?

23. Don’t bitch about where you’re sitting.

24. Have a Happy and Healthy New Year!

25. Now get out so I can start drinking.

Posted in Uncategorized 55 Comments »

55 Responses to “Bonus Post! – Tips for New Year’s Eve”

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    White Castle! Ugh. I have seen their fare, and I am perfectly happy sticking with my west coast In’n'Out.

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  53. Kat wrote on 04/23/09 at 12:21 pm :

    I have to disagree with the hurry up and leave attitude, dinner was expensive, if I want to linger and chat let me. If I feel like I’m being rushed out of the restaurant I’ll complain to corporate (via email) and not return. To be fair, since I hate being rushed I don’t eat out on busy nights, I tend to go on Monday since my husband and I are very busy working weekends. I wouldn’t eat out on a holiday, and I rarely eat at anyplace above melting pot caliber, but still

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  55. luckylizzie wrote on 05/11/10 at 3:44 pm :

    Yeah, what was up with all of the spam?!

    I have to agree (to a point) with the hurry up and leave. If you’re an earlier table, then we’re trying to let other people eat, so finish eating, drink your coffee, and go! We make our money by serving people, not by babysitting tables that are just sitting, talking, and not spending money! And if you’re a later table, maybe WE WOULD LIKE TO GO HOME BEFORE 2AM?

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