“Hi welcome to Outback,” the hostess perkily chirps, “Two for dinner?”
“Yeah,” Fluvio replies looking grim.
“By the way is Toupee working the floor tonight?” I ask.
“Yes he is,” the hostess replies looking over her shoulder.
“Could you send him over to our table please?” I request ever so politely.
“Sure, no problem,” the hostess says. My – she’s a cutie.
Fluvio and I slide into the big booth. We grin at each other. This is going to be fun.
The server comes up and asks if we’d like a drink. Fluvio orders two Heinekens.
“Yeah and send Toupee Man over here,” I bark.
The server brings us our beers. We order two steaks. Don’t get the wrong idea from this post – I actually really like Outback.
Toupee Man comes over to our table. He looks busy.
“Can I help you gentleman?” he asks politely.
“Hello there asshole,” I say.
“Huh?” Toupee draws back like he’s been punched.
“Remember me buddy?”
Toupee’s eyes widen in recognition. His face cycles through expressions of shock, embarrassment, anger, and fear until he settles on a petulant tough guy look
“Nice place you have here,” Fluvio says, “how long have you owned it?”
“I think it’s a franchise deal,” I murmur.
“Uh, guys I don’t want any trouble……” Toupee stammers.
“Hey aren’t you supposed to kneel at the table?” I ask.
“Yeah,” Fluvio grunts, “Why aren’t you kneeling?”
“How’s your girlfriend?” I ask with a shit eating grin.
I don’t get a response. Toupee’s too busy choking on impotent rage to say anything.
“I heard the fine she had to pay was huge,” I press, “Sucks for you.”
“You still seeing her? She was cute.”
Toupee glares at me.
“No?,” I say taking a pull on my beer, “Go figure.”
Toupee starts to walk away.
“You know I think you’d look better bald,” I call after him.
“Yeah, lose the piece,” Fluvio adds.
Toupee stops for a second, thinks about it, and continues walking away. We get our steaks and tuck in. I like Outback’s steaks.
The entire time we’re eating, we don’t see Toupee. Probably hiding in the kitchen like a little girl. Run and hide peckerhead. Run and hide.
We finish our steaks and pass on dessert. We settle the check, tip nicely, and leave. End of story.
I know I know. You thought we we’re going to take him “outback” and deliver him a side of ass whipping but naaa – that’s not my style. Sorry to be anti-climactic.
And besides – I still like to eat at Outback.