Turnabout is fair play so here’s that list I promised. I thought it would be hard to think of 50 ways a server could be an asshole. Duh, I was wrong.
1. Waiter smells like he hasn’t bathed in days.
2. Waiter has dirty, unkempt hair.
3. The waiter’s so stoned his eyeballs look like marbles.
4. Waiter curses out the busboys in full view of the customers. (Do it in the back!)
5. Waiter snaps fingers to get busboy’s attention.
6. Waiter has an obvious erection while telling you the specials.
7. Waiter loudly farts while telling you the specials. (Stick with sneak attacks!)
8. Waiter can’t peel his eyes off your date’s tits. (A peek’s OK but c’mon!)
9. Waiter’s passed out in the bathroom with the needle still stuck in his arm.
10. Waiter snickers when you order the cheapest wine on the wine list.
11. You’re eating your entrees when the waitress drops off the check saying “My boyfriend’s waiting outside to pick me up. You mind paying the bill?”
12. The waiter expects a big tip because they’re good looking.
13. Waiter makes crude sexual remarks at the table.
14. Waiter is stumbling drunk. (Though a little self medicating is understandable.)
15. Waiter will only speak in French.
16. Waiter is a semi-famous anonymous blogger who thinks he’s the shit. Wait a minute…..
17. Waiter steals tips off other waiter’s tables.
18. Waiter has really bad breath.
19. Waiter blows bubblegum bubbles at the table. (Does not apply to waiters under the age of 18.)
20. Waiter interrupts your conversation twenty times to ask “How is everything?”
21. Waiter asks you if he can score prescription meds off you.
22. Waiter seats you by the bathroom when there are plenty of available tables.
23. Waiter won’t serve customers (or complains to high heaven) because they’re African-American.
24. Waiter completely ignores the children sitting at the table.
25. Unsolicited, the waiter hands you a manuscript/screenplay/headshot/resume while you’re eating.
26. You hand the waiter a $100 bill for a $50 check and they act surprised when you ask for change.
27. Waiter tries pulling the double tip on you.
28. The waiter proselytizes for any religion, brand of politics, cause, or alternative lifestyle.
29. Waiter begs for money.
30. Waiter offers to sell you drugs. (Do that on your own time!)
31. Waiter rushes your meal so they can go home early.
32. You ask the waiter for another napkin and they disappear for twenty minutes.
33. The waiter screws up your entrée. Instead of trying to fix the problem he or she hides in the back like a little girl.
34. Waiter picks nose or pulls underwear out of butt in full view of the customers.
35. Waiter doesn’t wash hands after using the bathroom – and you can tell.
36. Waiter’s tongue piercing falls out of their mouth and into your food.
37. You’re the only table in the restaurant and the waiter’s ignoring you.
38. Unsolicited, the waiter tells you squeamishly personal details about their love life.
39. You see your waiter twice during the meal. When they take the order and when they deliver the check.
40. You pay the bill. While you’re still sitting at the table the waiter snaps up the checkholder, looks at the tip, and shouts, “Is that it?”
41. Waiter hits on your 14 year old daughter.
42. Waiter hits on your eighty year old mother.
43. Tells dirty jokes to the customers during a funeral repast.
44. The waiter blames his mistakes on his hangover.
45. When asked, “What’s good here?” the waiter replies, “Everything sucks.”
46. Waiter laughs at you while you’re choking.
47. You leave your cell phone behind and the waiter smashes it to bits out of spite. (Saw that happen once.)
48. Waiter gets into screaming match with owner so the entire dining room can hear him shout “Fuck me? No! FUCK YOU!” (Mea culpa!)
49. The waiter shows the customers that rash that’s been bothering her.
50. The waiter says “You shouldn’t be eating dessert.”
Customers! Now’s your chance to vent! (Like you haven’t already.) If waiters do something that drives you nuts tell us in the comments section. Fellow waitrons! Tell us about sucky coworkers!
This will be the last one of these lists for quite a while.