This one’s for you Lou!
1. Have a designated driver or call a cab. Spending New Year’s Day in jail (or the morgue) is not a good idea.
2. Leave the drugs at home.
3. Leave the kids at home.
4. If you must bring the kids, bring the drugs. Give ‘em to the waitstaff! They’ll need it.
5. Ladies! No coked up recreational lesbianism in the bathroom. (Unless I get to watch.)
6. Actually, no quickies of any kind in the coat room, parking lot, under the table, on the table, or in the restrooms. Somebody has to clean up after you! Get a room.
7. If you’re attending an early seating, please remember other people are coming in after you. Don’t dawdle.
8. Ladies, feel free to kiss me at the stroke of midnight.
9. Guys, don’t kiss me.
10. Sing “Auld Lang Syne” all you want. When you’re drunk your voice always sounds better.
11. Guys, the waitress is being nice to you because it’s her job. She’ll toss your number in the toilet the moment you leave.
12. Getting upset because another year’s gone by and you’re still not married does not constitute a psychiatric emergency. (Unless you’re Jewish, then God help you.)
13. Popping the cork is so passé.
14. Haggle with the hooker BEFORE you come to the restaurant.
15. Ladies, if you feel funny wearing that dress, you shouldn’t be wearing it.
16. Yes, it’s gonna be an expensive evening. If you don’t feel like spending money stay home!
17. Tip heavy. I’ll be nicer to you in 2006.
18. Waiters! You’re probably gonna pool your tips. Make sure the “lazy ass” waiter on your staff (there’s always one) pulls their weight!
19. Tell ten people about Waiter Rant!
20. Vomiting at the table isn’t cute.
21. Watch your language. Being boisterous in public is fine. Being crude is not.
22. If you don’t have a reservation – you’re fucked. Might I suggest Château Blanc?
23. Don’t bitch about where you’re sitting.
24. Have a Happy and Healthy New Year!
25. Now get out so I can start drinking.