Who Are The Worst Tippers?

November 30th, 2009 by Waiter

If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians?

Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in the comments section! This is a non PC free fire zone. (And the usual disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the owner of this website!)

I’m sure there’ll be something here to offend everybody.

Posted in Uncategorized | 323 Comments »

CRAZY RESTAURANT OWNER SYNDROME (CROS)

November 20th, 2009 by Waiter

There was a recent post on Gawker featuring an email written by Vadim Ponorovsky, the owner of Paradou, a restaurant in the Meatpacking district, taking his employees to task for not collecting email addresses from his patrons so he could add them to some kind of marketing list. Here’s the email Ponorovsky wrote that was “leaked” to Gawker.

To All,

Please read this email carefully. This is the last time we will be discussing this.

This weekend, saturday and sunday we had 451 customers. Guess how many emails we collected? 60? 80? 40? No. None of those. We, or more accurately you, collected 2 emails. Thats less than half of one percent. 2 fucking emails.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ASSHOLES?!?!?! How many times do we have to tell you how important it is that you collect emails. Everytime we have a slow night and you make no money and you sit there bitching about how you make no money, remember its because youre fucking lazy motherfuckers. YOU SHOULD ALL BE FIRED IMMEDIATELY!!!!! ALL OF YOU, INCLUDING THE HOSTS!!!!

Let me guess, youre probably sitting there saying “Vadim is such a fucking asshole. How dare he speak to me like this. I dont need this.” Youre right, you dont, so why dont you get the fuck out. Any and all of you.

Youre probably sitting there saying “How dare he speak to me like this. How dare he not have respect for me”. Youre right there also. I have absolutely no respect for any of you. Why? Because every fucking day, all of you continue to show that you have absolutely no respect for me or Alex. So if you dont respect us enough to do the little that we ask you to do, then GET THE FUCK OUT YOU FUCKING LAZY DISRESPECTFUL ASSHOLES!!!!!

Effective immediately, any server or host who fails to collect at least 20 emails per week, will be fined $100. Anyone failing to collect at least 20 emails for two weeks in a month will be fired immediately. No matter what. No matter who you are.

You dont want to do your job, you dont want to do what we ask, you dont belong at Paradou. Go find another place to work.

How dare you disrespect Alex and me this way. How dare you completely ignore what we ask of you time after time after time.

I am sick of all this shit, you bunch of fucking children. This is what I have to deal with at 6AM?!?!? I wouldnt tolerate this from my 13 year old, and Im sure as shit not going to tolerate it from any of you assholes.

You give no respect, you get 10 times back.

Now in fairness to Mr. Ponorovsky I thought about calling him to ask him about the aforementioned email blast, but the guys at Blackbook.com beat me to it. Go read Mr. Ponorovsky’s answers and come back.

Got it? Good. After reading Ponorovsky’s answers I saw no need to ask him anything further. Now we have both “sides” of the story. Here’s my take on it.

Judging from the tone of Mr. Ponorovsky’s berserk email it’s obvious he was not in possession of his faculties when he wrote it. And judging from the persecutory tone running through Mr. Ponorovsky’s email and his answers to Blackbook.com’s questions, I’m afraid this gentleman suffers from Crazy Restaurant Owner Syndrome. (CROS) What is this malady you may ask? Well it’s not in the DSM-IV but let me try and highlight some of it’s symptoms.

1, Extreme narcissism to the point of sociopathy - You know, like Ted Bundy! Did you notice how Ponorovsky referred to himself in the third person in his interview with Blackbook? “Prior to this, you probably had no clue who Vadim Ponorovsky was?” That’s a neat bit of disassociation right there, Vadim.

2. Delusions of grandeur - Restaurant owners tend to think that because they run an eating establishment they’re captains of industry. It’s the big fish in the little pond thing. And when some restaurant owners lose track of reality and begin thinking their restaurant is the center of the known universe they can suddenly act like they’re beholden to no one, lose their behavioral inhibitions and start acting like Caligula. This is evidenced by Ponorovsky’s nifty quote, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ASSHOLES?!?!?!”

3. Extreme jealousy - Did you catch that part in the interview with Blackbook where Ponorovsky said, “I didn’t get in to this business to be on Iron Chef?” Oh but I bet you wish you were Vadim!

4. Anger management issues – Gee, what gave it away? Was it when Ponorovsky wrote, “GET THE FUCK OUT YOU FUCKING LAZY DISRESPECTFUL ASSHOLES!!!!!”

5. Persecution complex – Constantly feeling like your employees are out to get you. “Because every fucking day, all of you continue to show that you have absolutely no respect for me or Alex.” Your words Vadim, your words.

6.An absolutist Al Qaeda view of people - As evidenced by the quote, “I have absolutely no respect for any of you.”

7. Total lack of empathy – As evidenced by Ponorovsky’s statement in the Blackbook interview, “But my approach was: I don’t care.”

8. Self-destructive behavior – Uh, writing this crazed email in the first place.

9. Control freakiness - “Effective immediately, any server or host who fails to collect at least 20 emails per week, will be fined $100. Anyone failing to collect at least 20 emails for two weeks in a month will be fired immediately. No matter what. No matter who you are.”

10. Dehumanizing staff – As evidenced by Mr. Ponorovsky’s liberal use of the word “asshole” and the statement, “I am sick of all this shit, you bunch of fucking children. This is what I have to deal with at 6AM?!?!? I wouldnt tolerate this from my 13 year old, and Im sure as shit not going to tolerate it from any of you assholes.”

Okay. So it’s obvious Mr. Ponorovsky has a bad case of CROS. Here are the treatment options.

1. Mr. Ponorovsky needs to find a new line of work. For him owning a restaurant is like an active alcoholic working in a bar. As long as he’s immersed in this environment he’ll continue to act like a raving lunatic. People, places and things my friend.

2. Ponorovsky needs to make amends to everyone he’s hurt - his staff, his customers, his partners, his family and to waiters the world over. I stand by to transmit that apology.

3. Detox from any and all illegal substances if indicated.

4. Heavy doses of Haldol, Ativan and Benadryl. (Swear to God this cocktail works!)

5. Discerning restaurant customers should aid Mr. Ponorovsky’s recovery by avoiding patronizing his restaurant until he’s been replaced by someone who isn’t stark raving mad. If he treats his staff this way how do you think he’s going to treat his customers? This gentleman’s email was a Freudian slip into his attitudes regarding people.

And to the waiters at Paradou, you need to work on your own recovery! I know times are tough but you need get new jobs. Trust me on this! I’ve worked for people like Ponorovsky before. They’re not worth the damage to your soul! Start quietly sending out resumes. After this debacle Paradou probably won’t be open past February.

And to Mr. Ponorovsky. I will post any response you care to send me.

Addendum: Please do not call Paradou and threaten Mr. Ponorovsky. That’s not cool. Also, here’s an audio clip from Gawker of the restaurant owner having another meltdown. This guy’s just giving himself more rope to hang himself.

Posted in Uncategorized | 64 Comments »

No Tip = Handcuffs!

November 20th, 2009 by Waiter

After getting hundreds of emails from readers about a couple in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania who got arrested for not leaving a tip I decided I had better say something about it.

The first thing everyone should realize is there’s a difference between a “service charge” and a “tip.”

Even though I’ve always advocated leaving a gratuity for your waiter, you do not have to leave a tip in a restaurant. A tip is something freely given and customers are under no legal obligation to leave one. If you receive terrible service you don’t have to leave a tip. If you have great service you don’t have to leave a tip. Of course if you decide to go on some kind of anti-tipping jihad you’ll probably find yourself unwelcome at all the restaurants you patronize, receive truly awful service, get seated next to the toilets and be victimized by the various ways waiters have of punishing parsimonious customers. But as much as we’d like to, we can’t have you hauled away in handcuffs if you want to act like an obnoxious, cheap bastard. Why? Because the tip is voluntary and you don’t have to pay it.

A service charge, however, is a totally different thing. A service charge is considered part of the bill and not paying it is like not paying the bill. Refusing to pay a restaurant bill is considered theft of service. If you try pulling that shit you won’t be doing dishes with Pedro in the back. You’ll to jail.

Many restaurants automatically tack a 15-20% service charge onto bills for parties of six or more. Why? Well there’s something I like to call the “Kitty Genovese Theory of Tipping.” You remember Kitty Genovese don’t you? In 1964 Ms. Genovese was attacked by a man with a knife as she was walking though Kew Gardens, Queens on her way home from work. Despite the fact the attack lasted half an hour and numerous people witnessed the assault, no one did anything to save her. While some onlookers knew she had been stabbed, others thought they were just witnessing a lover’s quarrel and still others ignored it because they simply didn’t want to get involved. By the time the police were finally summoned Ms. Genovese’s assailant had stolen $49 dollars out of her purse, raped her and fatally stabbed her.

In the aftermath of this terrible tragedy psychologists began to explore what’s called the “bystander effect.” What’s the bystander effect? It’s a phenomenon that occurs when “larger numbers of bystanders present during an incident decrease the likelihood that someone will step forward and help a victim. The reasons include the fact that onlookers see that others are not helping either, that onlookers believe others will know better how to help, and that onlookers feel uncertain about helping while others are watching.” Psychologists call this “diffusion of responsibility.” So if you’re in a large group and you see something bad going down there’s a good chance you’ll assume the other people in group will take care of the problem and you won’t do anything.

Now I’m not making light of Ms. Genovese’s murder. But if you’ve ever watched a large party in a restaurant divvy up a bill you’ll see the “diffusion of responsibility” thing at work. In many cases patrons think the host or the “other guy” is going to leave the tip so they don’t throw in. The result? The waiter often gets a bad tip or no tip at all. It happened to me a thousand times. And since a large party usually takes longer to eat than a couple or a foursome, a server can spend three for four hours working a table and receive little or no renumeration via tipping. That sucks. As a result of this phenomenon restaurant owners began tacking service charges onto checks to prevent large parties from inadvertently or purposefully stiffing their waiter. I agree with this procedure 100%.

Most establishments will make customers aware of this policy by posting it on the front door or printing it on the menu. And if it’s a posted policy the service charge is part of the bill and you have to pay it. Several years ago a restaurant patron got bad service and refused to pay a tip on a large party and was arrested. The judge let the man go because the restaurant didn’t call the automatic gratuity a “service charge.” And since tips are freely given, the judge contended, the man was under no legal obligation to pay it. If that restaurant posted the tip as a service charge, however, the judge said the man would’ve done time in the pokey.

So let me be clear. You don’t have to leave a tip. But you must pay a service charge. And while most restaurants will only add this charge to parties of six or more, some restaurants have taken customer choice out of the equation all together and tack on a service charge regardless of the number of patrons. And yes, you have to pay that too. I don’t agree with that practice by the way.

So that brings me to the couple in Pennsylvania. I don’t know them from Adam. They could be the be the nicest people in the world or cheap pricks. According to the news report the police said the gratuity was part of the actual bill, a service charge. So by not paying it the couple technically broke the law. But if what the couple said about the slow service they received is true then I think the restaurant’s owners are real dopes for pursuing this. If you’re forced to pay a service charge then “service” must be provided. I’m not a lawyer but this sounds like a “breach of contract” thing.

According to the news report, “The owner admitted that the group waited unusually long for their food, but said the pub was extremely busy that night. He said managers offered to comp the food, a claim the couple denies ever happened.” That tidbit me two things. One, the restaurant was aware the couple received subpar service. Why offer to comp the meal if it wasn’t? And I’m willing to bet that if you look into that number of staff working in the restaurant that night it was woefully unprepared for the level of customers it was serving. This is quite common in the restaurant industry. Sometimes ownership, in an effort to cut payroll costs, will keep the minimum amount of people on the floor and in the kitchen. Then, when they get hit by a mad rush, BOOM, the whole place goes into the weeds. To be fair however, sometimes servers are the cause of the problem. Waiters can be a lazy bunch and sometimes restaurants find themselves understaffed because the servers call out sick. Usually the reason’s they’re “sick” is because they’re hungover, can’t find a babysitter, are getting laid or their consciousness has been altered by various chemicals.

If I was the manager on duty in the restaurant in question I would have given that entire table free desserts, drinks, a gift certificate as an apology and not expected them them to pay the service charge. (And if it was my place I’d have given the server the tip out of my pocket – unless he or she was high as a kite.) Of course I wasn’t there but it sounds like the managers on duty were inexperienced, afraid of the owner’s reaction to any decisive thinking on their part (That’s probably why there’s a disagreement over whether a comp was offered) or they had a bitter axe to grind. One thing’s for sure, they brought a load of bad publicity down on their restaurant and the ire of the local cops. The police have more important things to take care of than this shit.

So yes, the couple in question broke the law. But due to the circumstances I can see in the report they should be given a pass. But this is a rare dispensation from “The Waiter.” I’m sure some yuppie pricks will twist my words around and start refusing to pay service charges because they got a bad table or didn’t get enough butter for their bread. Don’t try it. In most cases, unless there’s an egregious lack of service, and I mean egregious, people must pay the service charges posted on the menu. And if you feel service charges are unfair then you’re free to patronize restaurants that don’t have them.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Posted in Uncategorized | 54 Comments »

I Need a Massage!

November 13th, 2009 by Waiter

I’ve interviewed several massage therpaists for my book but I’ve yet to avial myself of their services. So if you’re a licensed massage therapist in the Metro NYC area and would like to be interviwed for my book while giving me a rubdown please email me at waiterrant@yahoo.com. This is a serious offer. I’ll pay the fee and you can be as anonymous as you wish. Look forward to hearing from you.

And man I’m tense! If you can work out the kink in my shoulder I’d appreciate it!

Posted in Uncategorized | 45 Comments »

Vengeance is yours!

November 10th, 2009 by Waiter

If you ever worked for gratuities you’ve felt the compulsion to seek revenge against bad tippers, I know I did. Sometimes I crossed the line. While I never enhanced a patron’s entree with my DNA I lost reservations, told customers that their credit cards had been declined, stuck patrons at horrible tables and slipped into my arrogant John Cleese “waiter from hell” mode. Sometimes it was fun. But sometimes it was all I could do to stay sane

But I’ve told my story. Today I’m interested in what you, my fellow tipped workers of America, have done to wreak vengeance on customers. Are you a waiter who ever spit in a customer’s soup? Added a pubic garnish to a drink? Are you a hotel maid you left something other than a mint on a pillow? A sky cap who sent someone’s luggage to Minsk instead of Miami Beach? Are you a car valet who pulled a “Ferris Bueller” with someone’s Maserati? A taxi driver who took the long route or a limo driver who just refused to pick someone up? Maybe you’re a furniture delivery guy who “accidentally” scratched someone’s new couch or a Starbucks barista who substituted heavy cream for soy milk in some socialite’s chai latte? A hairstylist who gave someone a new bald spot? Tell us in the comments section! Let ‘er rip! As I learned in my seminary days, confession is good for the soul. (And entertaining.)

And If you’re a tipped worker who’d  like to be interviewed for my book just email me at waiterrant@yahoo.com. Just like the confessional, confidentiality is assured. Just don’t tell me you murdered someone.

Let the badness out!

Posted in Uncategorized | 264 Comments »